Coda Tool Tuesday…CoDA Meetings

This is not a self help program. It’s mutual support. I can read and learn on my own and that’s all fine and dandy but for me, it can’t replace the experience I get in attending regular CoDA meetings.

I, like so many, had read Melody Beattie’s book, Co-dependent No More. If that’s all it takes to heal then we’d all be living happily ever after. If only it were so easy. No offense to Oprah but just because I “know better” doesn’t mean I can “do better”.

I discovered in therapy that codependency may be at the heart of my struggles. If that’s all it took then my therapist wouldn’t have needed to suggest I get my butt to a CoDA meeting.

When I entered the program of codependents anonymous, I was blown away by how much I didn’t know about my part in my dysfunctional relationships. I was both excited and horrified. Excited to learn others like me existed and horrified to know the path to recovery would be lifelong.

It was in meetings that my progress really accelerated. Listening to the experience, strength and hope of others took me out of my own narrow perspective and gave me so many new insights. Without meetings, I don’t think I could have made the life changes I needed to make.

Meetings allow me to connect with others in recovery. I get to practice speaking and feeling my feelings in a safe place where others won’t try to fix me…they just listen with understanding.

People often ask me how to find a sponsor in CoDA. My response is always… go to meetings. Listen to what others share. For me, meetings were the place where I identified people who would become my sponsors or co-sponsors.

In meetings I can practice with the other tools I’m gaining like service, boundaries, asking for help and caring without caretaking. Hearing the crosstalk guidelines helps me remember to keep the focus on myself. And the “Welcome” reminds me that codependence is a most deeply rooted, compulsive behavior…which helps me be patient with myself and reminds me to dig down to the underlying beliefs and pain that often drive my behaviors.

Meetings are a great place to find supportive friendships and feel that sense of belonging that we all so desperately need. I love the acceptance I feel when I’m in a meeting with other codependents and I share my pain or my joy. Meetings show me that I’m not a freak. I’m ok right where I am. I’m not alone.

CoDA Tool Tuesday…Forgiveness

When I choose not to forgive its like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Forgiveness is a tool that helps me move forward. I know I don’t do it for the other guy, I do it for me. So I don’t have to carry the baggage anymore. It doesn’t mean I approve of what they did but the person who hurt me doesn’t occupy space in my head anymore and that gives me my serenity back.

So with the holidays upon us I’m faced with the question of old…how do I put up with that annoying relative that crashed my wedding, always seems to find a way to insult someone at every family event and basically creates a black hole which sucks the joy from the room?

This year, the answer will be forgiveness. I’m gonna try to be polite and accept her as she is. I’m gonna tap into common humanity and try to see her someone who, like me, is just trying to find her way through life to the best of her ability, flaws and all.

CoDA Tool Tuesday!

There are so many tools to help us in our journey of recovery from codependency. Every Tuesday, we hope to post an article highlighting one or more of these tools. Kicking off this new feature, just in time for the holidays, we start with an excerpt written by the CoDA communications committee….


How do codependents take care of themselves during the stress of the holidays? Here are some suggestions:

1. Go to as many meetings as you need.

2. Call other members including your sponsor.

3. Set boundaries that you are willing to observe.

4. Consider reading CoDA literature and reflecting on the Steps and Traditions.

5. Take care of yourself; YOU come first!

There are also daily online and phone meetings which you can look up on coda.org. Others use the meeting phone list to reach out to newcomers with a brief message of reassurance. If needed, choosing to spend a limited time around one’s family of origin may lower holiday stress.

Making sure to take the time for sufficient sleep, and giving ourselves plenty of time to exercise, meditate and read CoDA literature are ways to remind ourselves that in CoDA we may learn to have different priorities than other folks at these sometimes difficult family holiday gatherings.

At times, the difference between having a sad holiday and having a more upbeat one is simply a matter of choosing to use program tools to help, in each challenging moment, to do things differently today, and to decide that right now serenity is your #1 priority. That includes reaching out to your CoDA family!

practicing gratitude

All of us have reasons to be grateful. How can I show my gratitude today?

People who live wholeheartedly actively practice gratitude. On this day of national thanksgiving it’s nice to reflect on the positive benefits we can gain from a regular, daily gratitude practice.

Gratitude improves our emotional wellbeing and motivation, gives us better sleep and for me, can even reverse a shame spiral!

We all know about gratitude journaling but we don’t always have the time or even the desire to journal. You can find other ways to practice gratitude.

One way to increase your practice is by finding new cues for your gratitude. Cues help us make new habits.

For example, take the opportunity every time you’re standing over the sink and brushing your teeth to say three things you’re grateful for about the day.

Research shows that when you practice gratitude before you go to sleep, it can help increase optimism and overall satisfaction with your life.

Another cue could be at the grocery store…Whether you’re in line to pay for groceries or as you walk the aisles, the grocery store is a perfect time for gratitude.

Try breathing in what you’re grateful for and breathing out the things that are giving you stress and anxiety.

Drinking water throughout the day is a key to good health—which means it’s the perfect opportunity to thank your body for all the wonderful things it can do.

As you sip, scan from your head to your toes, bringing grateful awareness to all aspects of your existence to be grateful for.

These are just a couple of ways to add in a cue to bring in a grateful mind-state. The important thing is consistent effort over time… that is how we can work towards progress.

Now take a minute to focus on self-gratitude for what you are doing right now to benefit yourself!