Finding Guidance in Troubled Times

Once again, we can look to our Traditions to guide us as we navigate through difficult and uncharted ground.  When faced with difficult life circumstances and relationship issues, the 12 Traditions can be the principles of our meetings as well as our interactions with others.  Who hasn’t benefitted from Tradition 12’s reminder to place “principles before personalities”? 

What more controversial topic is there right now than how and when to reopen our world after the last months of lockdown?  There are so many stories and opinions as well as triggers for codependent behaviors.  CoDA wisely lays out the guidance in Tradition 10 offering us no opinion on outside issues, which helps us keep the focus where it needs to be, our personal program of recovery. 

As we keep the focus on our primary purpose, to carry our message of recovery to those who still suffer, we are opening up our local recovery community to even more options where people can discover the gifts of the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous.  Fortunately for us, we live in a time of advancement which allows us to have choices.  As face to face meetings resume, some local zoom meetings will also continue to be available on an ongoing basis.  This allows each individual to make the choices that are right for themselves.  MinnCoDA’s “Staying Connected” page will become our “Local Online Meetings” page and links to join zoom meetings will be able to be accessed there.

Of course, each group is autonomous and can discuss and work out the details of how that particular meeting will move forward using the group conscience process.  When we gather in our meetings either face to face or online, it is wonderful to know we have a safe place to express our feelings about what is happening in our lives.  I invite you to find your voice in light of the 12 Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous, CoDA’s Guide to Sharing and the Recovery Patterns of Codependence. In order to ensure the emotional safety of those present, we refrain from advice giving, controlling or debating, etc.  We recognize that other people are capable of managing their own lives and that we can accept the thoughts, choices and feelings of others even if we are not comfortable with them.

Ultimately, the tools of the program which include the Serenity Prayer, 12 Steps and Traditions and many more are here to help each of us find our recovery from our codependence.  They remind us where we are powerless and where we have choices.  We grow in our trust of a Higher Power of our own understanding.  They guide us to learn to take care of ourselves and allow others to do the same.   

LOVING MYSELF BACK INTO WHOLENESS

Bringing Compassion to our Personal Inventory

by Charlie B

I am Charlie, and I’m still recovering from the co-dependent survival patterns I learned so well in childhood. I’m also grateful I’ve come so far!  So many of the program promises have come true for me in so many good ways!  

Yet I still have much unfinished business waiting.  I can be easily triggered back into some shameful or defensive old identity.  At such moments I can be taken over by young inner “parts” of me who come on line when I’m pushed outside of my “window of tolerance.”  These parts are trying to help.  Once upon a time their strategies were vital and necessary for helping me to survive. But I’ve grown up, and these codependent strategies no longer suffice. In recovery I’ve experienced truly wholesome relations with myself and others.  This is my new vision and standard; being fully alive and connected to others in nourishing ways. 

So, in such moments I now have powerful tools and medicines for returning to my true center. Suppose I am somehow triggered into feeling insecure.  What actually happened?  Yes, someone said or did something, but it’s the interpretation I create inside which I then react to.  Why?  Because hidden deep down I still have a collection of poisonous beliefs I took on in childhood. 

Some part of me then takes this external event as proof and picks up these debilitating old negative beliefs about “myself.”  The resurgence of these destructive beliefs and thoughts can quickly generate powerful negative emotions like shame, fear, anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness.  This is the process by which I can maintain a state of irrational guilt and worthlessness.

These emotions are so painful to experience that other survival patterns kick in trying to suppress or divert attention away from my emotional discomfort.  If I am not self-aware, then in seconds I may once again act out an old trauma.   Awareness of my growing new response patterns is suppressed and I forget the tools I’ve acquired for getting grounding…getting out of a victim mindset. 

If this happens when I’m in a social situation, I may suddenly feel excruciating feelings of insecurity and revert back into old defensive behaviors.  Unconsciously I may be taken over by a powerful urgency to be seen, admired, and loved.  This consuming neediness immediately switches on a sort of inner survival mode where I believe that I must make people love me

For example, I may “tap dance” for approval by trying to be clever, funny, charming, sincere, or ingratiating.  Seen from the eyes of compassion: a very young part has taken me over.  He so desperately wants to be seen that he’s not really able to see and be present with others.

This young part feels so defective and deficient that he’s hustling for his goodness again.  I’ve been taken over by a younger version of myself who feels guilty and driven.  Someone with insight might see me trying to compensate unnecessarily.  Inside I feel like I’m all alone onstage. The other people present are now just performance objects; their purpose is to mirror me, like support characters in a movie drama.  They might be great, but they’re really there to orbit around me, the main character.  They’re just a plot element in my dramatic story now. 

At such moments I can feel outside, separate, and alone.  This regression is understandable because when I was a child, I really was outside trying to get attention and acceptance. I was for years in many ways abandoned and traumatized.  I really was judged and kept at a distance.  

But I’m not really alone.  For one thing, the effects of these kinds of trauma are common, actually quite predictable.  They linger and don’t lessen unless they are faced and healed.   Until then however, my habit will be to use people in an attempt to redeem those emotional losses of my childhood…to belatedly get what my parents, older siblings and other adults didn’t give me which was acceptance, love, and validation.

I’m so happy to say that my Higher Power and program friends have helped me to finally heal these old wounds and sadness.  I was fortunate to find a truly wise and loving sponsor.   He told me that the purpose of sponsoring is for me to learn how to show up for myself.

So, while I don’t ever want or have to do this alone, I think that I’m the friend that I’ve been waiting for.   There is only one person who can really fill my hunger, who can re-parent my understandably aching heart, and that’s me.  I see myself now as a spiritual being who is having a human experience.  Now I’ve experienced my loving and wholesome self.   Now I know that my Higher Power is in charge, I’m on a steady journey of awakening. 

But I still keep running into unfinished business.  My actual healing happens one transformation at a time when as life makes moments that require me to stretch again and really work my program.  Over time I’ve seen there seems to be a trustworthy process that I can follow in these challenging moments.   The miracle always starts with compassionate awareness of my feelings.  If I can just notice when I’m feeling scared or defective, then I can stop for the moment it takes to love myself out of my “trance of unworthiness.” Tara Brach calls taking this moment The Sacred Pause.

So, I stop dancing or defending long enough to really befriend myself in the moment.  First, I name the feelings in an honest and understanding way. Then, I share compassion with myself by telling myself things like this really hurts…it’s understandable…this is a normal human reaction…I love you…I care for you…you’re beautiful…and you’re going to be ok.

I may then reflect on my thoughts and behaviors to assess whether they are healthy and connecting.  I try to take these 10th step inventories in a respectful and empowering way that leaves me feeling strong and valued.  I let go of perfectionism and am grateful for my willingness and courage to look within with compassion. 

The healing doesn’t have to happen right in the moment either.  For example, last night in my book club I started feeling competitive, anxious, and self-conscious.  However, I couldn’t seem to pull back enough to just hold myself.  Instead I just kept talking and tap dancing, even though part of me was aware that I wasn’t just being with my friends so much as performing at them.

Afterwards, I didn’t feel a sense of connection but actually felt a little more separate than before our time together. This is one of the most painful aspects of my unhealed codependency, when I can feel alone even amongst safe and loving friends or family.

The miracle always starts with compassionate awareness of my feelings.

So, upon noticing this all later, my first wise response was understanding and compassion. Ouch, I told myself, I’m sorry you’re feeling so insecure.  It’s really hard to not feel worthy.  That’s an awful feeling, and it’s not true.  It’s totally understandable that you go back into old habits though.  They worked somewhat in the past to get the attention and love you needed to survive.  I really care about you and I know you’re really good, lovable, safe, and enough.  You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t need to perform anymore.  We’re not that child anymore.  He did great.  He survived and grew up.  I’m the loving, wise and competent adult he grew up into

Since I was now standing in my adult and loving presence, I opened deeper and asked this hurting younger part what he really needed… if there was anything else, he wanted me to know and understand. 

What I got were pictures of a child within me hungering for years and years for simple acceptance and blessing.  The adults in his world were competitive, controlling, and fearfully unavailable. Looking back with his eyes I could see how these behaviors of tap dancing and hustling for my goodness actually helped me to survive.  As an adult seeing this all through his eyes, I was more able to compassionately witness and bless this part.  I shifted my view to gratitude for having these survival skills and tactics.  I didn’t want to exile this part but to integrate him…to bring these character traits into balance.  I concluded by repeating one of my most healing blessings which is “right now, I am only grateful and pleased with myself.” 

Then I spent time reflecting upon my behaviors and the results of my behaviors.   I let myself see the painful results, how those patterns no longer work.  I reminded myself of what does work…like holding myself with love…Like courageously stepping outside myself to really see and be with others fully.  By the end of all l this nurturing and self-care I was restored to myself…fully open and at ease again. 

I can now see how being fully present with myself and others is a truly courageous act.  Being open and vulnerable with others is an act of respect and dignity. It’s not easy to open up to people’s ever-changing feelings and experiences.   

Yet that edgy presence, standing with others in the naked moment, is what my heart is really hungering for.  To stand together, open and vulnerable, is as good as sharing life gets.   It happens that I’m still learning to stand in this presence.  Of course, I am.  It’s not what I learned as a child but I’m getting it now!

Finally, I invited myself to visualize and honor the connection that I do share with my friends. I pictured them and their lovable qualities.  I let the desire to witness, nurture, and just be with them arise naturally inside of my refreshed self-trust…another gift from showing up authentically for myself.  In this space what could finally arise was my authentic awe, love, and gratitude for their beautiful hearts and minds. This was the place I could really see and experience connection with them…. from a heart whose needs were met enough to have trust and room for others inside. 

When I was young, I learned to chase after thin ego foods like being admired or “special.”  I wanted so much more than this but was also afraid of it.  Now in my relations I am consciously choosing a more valuable goal which is real love and connection.  

Changing these old habits builds muscles.  Part of the work is that I have a bunch of old “payoffs” like applause and self-righteousness to surrender.  I find it difficult to sit back and just be.   A part of me still wants to talk, be seen and be in control in order to feel safe.   That part can then take up all the space needed for more meaningful interactions. 

The beautiful thing is that when I’m awake and courageous enough to really share space with trustworthy others, we then together cook a much more soul satisfying meal.  I experience the creative connected ease and flow which arises when I believe in a larger vision of us together. And because I’m really seeing my friends now, my appreciation and love for them is becoming deep and real.  

I believe that when we really pay attention to others (not in a reactive way but truly open to their experience as beings) that we inevitably feel closer to them.  Understanding others has this effect. The same is true within me.  When I authentically and compassionately witness my own experience, I can’t help but love myself.  I practice reverence for my heart’s real journey of hunger and longing, recognizing its’ courage and fortitude.  Then, I am inevitably filled with the awe, compassion, and love that is the only natural response to really seeing one of God’s amazing Children.

what you are feeling is probably grief

Someone sent me this article the other day and then a different person sent me an amazing podcast by Brene Brown where she is talking with the same author, David Kessler.

He is the world’s foremost expert on grief and co-wrote with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss. His new book adds another stage to the process, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. So I thought I must share this insight with you here because it resonated with me…

Kessler explains…
“We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.”

Personally, I agree and there are a lot of losses to grieve. Grief is not just about the death of a loved one. For me, any change can be a loss and any loss can trigger grief. Here we all are with the loss of how things used to be. Loss of our jobs. Loss of physical touch. Loss of gathering to celebrate together. Loss of our routines. Loss of the way the world was before all this happened.

And…”Your loss is not a blessing or a test, it’s not about finding gratitude…loss just happens in this world.”

So what can we do with all this grief?

The stages of grief are not really linear but rather act as a guide. Understanding them helps us navigate…

Kessler says, “There’s denial, which we say a lot of early on: This virus won’t affect us. There’s anger: You’re making me stay home and taking away my activities. There’s bargaining: Okay, if I social distance for two weeks everything will be better, right? There’s sadness: I don’t know when this will end. And finally there’s acceptance. This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed.

If we can name it, perhaps we can manage it. We have to name it in order to feel it and feel it to heal it.

I found a lot of wisdom and validation in this work on grieving and who doesn’t love to hear Brene Brown? so here are the links to the full article and the podcast.




life is teaching us

Staying calm in the midst of chaos and uncertainty has not been easy for me in my life.
I feel triggered by the circumstances relating to this COVID 19 pandemic.
The craziness of it.
The isolation.
The paranoia.
The feeling of scarcity.
The confusing and ever-changing information.
It reminds me of my childhood.
Of my mom’s mental illness.
I know logically that this isn’t that.
My inner parts don’t know it though.

What’s good is that I’m getting a chance to grow in my awareness that the parts are there. The defenders and the exiles.
I can see myself clearer and I know when this is over I will be changed for the better because of it.
This self-induced suffering is changing us all in some way.
I am awakening to Self and that is where the calm is found.

Welcome to Recovery From Codependency | The Phoenix Spirit

I had difficulty in my love relationships, friendships and relationships with co-workers and my family. Everything felt so difficult. Why did I keep getting
— Read on thephoenixspirit.com/2020/03/welcome-to-recovery-from-codependency/

phone a friend

Remember that game show? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? They’d give the contestant 3 “life lines” one of which was to “phone a friend”.

In recovery, it can sometimes seem like the hardest thing to do to pick up a phone and call someone to talk. Why is it so hard to ask for help?

For me, it’s part of my “dis-ease” to wrestle with the thoughts that I might be bothering someone. So I don’t reach out for help. Or maybe it was that family “rule”…the don’t talk one. So I don’t reach out for help. It could be the belief that no one understands that leaves me feeling terminally unique and alone in my misery. So I don’t reach out for help. For some of us, when we’ve reached out for help in the past, we’ve been shamed, disappointed or abandoned. So we stopped reaching out for help.

In CoDA, when I go to a meeting, I find an important “life line” there. A phone list of people in the program who are willing to share their experience, strength and hope with others. I don’t need to worry about “bothering” them because they get to decide when and how they respond. It’s actually good practice for them in setting boundaries. If the first person doesn’t answer, I can go on to the next. I don’t take it personally, I take action to get the help I need.

It’s helpful to know the phone list has people who will relate to my struggle with codependency and I can identify with their stories. I find I’m not alone. Part of the program involves practicing things like asking for help when I need it and developing trust in those who are trustworthy.

Sometimes, chatting with someone else who understands or who takes time to listen is all I need to change my perspective. Often I already know what it is I need or want to do. Talking it out with someone else, who isn’t as invested in the outcome, can be all I need.

It can help to have another voice in my head besides my own. That old tape keeps playing in the background until I do something to quiet it. Sometimes calling a recovery friend is the something I need.

Codependents often don’t consider the consequences of our actions or decisions. Talking with a recovery friend can sometimes allow me to consider the consequences before I make decisions.

It’s getting harder for me to find excuses not to use this tool of recovery…thanks to technology. Nowadays people often text before calling and this makes picking up the phone even easier. When you feel alone, triggered, confused, hurt, even happy and just want to connect with someone, whatever…shoot out a text first to see if the person is open to a call… go ahead, use the life line…phone a recovery friend.


I’d love to hear how this tool has helped you. Or if you have a hard time with it, what stops you from reaching out?

Just for Now

By Stephanie

Just for now,

Rest in me,

Nowhere to be,

Nothing to do,

No one to save.

Just for now,

Quiet your mind,

No answers needed,

Nothing to figure out

Nothing to prove.

Just for now,

Relax your whole being,

Knowing you are held,

In an eternal embrace,

By something greater than you.

Just for now,

Open your heart,

Feel love encircle you,

Feel love move through you,

Reminding you that you are deeply loved.

Even though it’s hard to believe,

This is all that matters…

Just for now.

True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862

True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being – Well being is the deep contentment that arises from a relaxed, wakeful presence.

This talk explores the beliefs and habits that contract us away from presence, and several key ways we can nourish our natural capacity for happiness.

Lots of messages in this podcast that resonate with what I am learning in CoDA. The tool of meditation can be challenging for me and I have found listening to these types of talks to be helpful in exploring and building on what I am learning.

I am not trying to endorse this specific teacher however this talk on happiness resonated with my life circumstances right now and also with my tendency to frame things as “this is not supposed to be happening” and “something is missing”.

If this is not your cup of tea, feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.

CoDA Tool Tuesday-self-care

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Anyone who has ever flown in a plane has heard these instructions. It’s so well known that so many of us don’t even really pay attention while they are talking.

It is good safety advice and even better life wisdom. Put your oxygen mask on yourself first.

If I don’t do self-care, I’m not much good to those around me. Those people I want so much to help and care for.

If I don’t make my self-care a priority, I will burn out, wear out or worse. I will begin to resent the ones I care for.

Sometimes my self-care looks like:
napping #noguilt,
eating when I feel hungry,
exercising when I feel like moving my body…some yoga anyone?
hanging out with my kiddo,
date night with my hubby,
playing wth my doggo,
journaling,
walking in nature,
laying in my hammock,
binge-watching Netflix,
doing a meditation,
treating myself with self-compassion and acceptance,
laughing with friends at game night,
getting a fresh color when my grays start to show too much,
calling a friend just to chat,
saying NO when I need to,
reading whatever feels good in the moment…blog, fiction book, CoDA Big Book…
driving in my Jeep with the doors off!
going to a CoDA meeting

And of course, dancing barefoot in my kitchen when no one else is around…Alexa, play dance music!

what does your self-care look like?