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by Terrie C
Came to Believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Being RESTORED suggests that we were sane to begin with. Step 2 invites us to change our beliefs about ourselves. The 12 Step Program encourages us all to choose a Higher Power of our own understanding. CoDA acknowledges that we grew up in dysfunction. Coming to terms with the harm that came to us from this dysfunction is key to understanding our own insanity and the ROOT of its genesis.
In dysfunctional families people who were supposed to keep us safe and meet our needs were unable to do this for us. Dysfunction is passed down historically and intergenerationally and it is likely that our parents did not get their own needs met. It became our job to meet their needs. Our insanity was trained into us from an early age and became deeply rooted as it says in the CoDA welcome.
Our culture also taught us beliefs that are not true. My family was not deeply religious but believed children should get religious education. There I learned that we are born in Original Sin. This concept came from the Romans through St. Augustine in the 4th century AD. Other faiths reject it. The Christian church adopted it to keep citizens and soldiers in line. Page 5, Original Blessing by Matthew Fox.
Another belief across the world is that women and girls are not as valuable as men and are property. When I was born women had only been allowed to vote in this country for 28 years. Most stories only had boys as heroes. We still do not have equality. The choices for careers for women did not appeal to me. I chose a field that at the time was less than a quarter women. I wanted to be a healer and went to pharmacy school. At orientation the dean of the pharmacy school singled me out and said that “there are no second chances here”. After I was accepted to the program my husband at the time began punishing me. I petitioned the school to allow me a year off and had to pay them a large sum not to give my place to another student. No one thought I would come back. I did come back and also tried the marriage again. I left the marriage for good with my car, some personal belongings and only $30 with nowhere to live and a year and a half left to graduate. I did graduate. Looking back, I believe this was my AUTHENTIC SELF.
In my growing up years I suffered physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as well as neglect and had a parent who was a sociopath and one who had severe PTSD. This counts in the ACEs Study, (Adverse Childhood Experiences) evaluation as a score of 6. In order to survive in that family I had to adopt survival responses that we in this program call codependence. Some of the Compliance Patterns and some of the low Self-Esteem patterns fit these survival responses the most for me.
It is important for all recovering people to begin to understand the biology of TOXIC STRESS. In a 1993 book about PTSD came my first lesson of this. A phenomenon called KINDLING. Repeated trauma causes a change to our body related to the release of norepinephrine which changes our nervous system and brain so that it takes less and less of a trigger to initiate a full-blown case of frayed nerves. So, a seemingly inconsequential event can lead to full hypervigilance, startle response, anger, and irritability. The victim essentially develops a case of chronic over-arousal and can never “relax”. Paraphrased from PTSD:THE VICTIMS GUIDE TO HEALING AND RECOVERY, RAYMOND FLANNERY PhD. Assistant Professor of Psychology, Harvard Medical School.
How many of us have blamed ourselves for having these responses? It is not our fault, and it also IS our responsibility to understand and heal from. Much more is now understood and written about by Bessel Van der Kolk M.D. in THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE published in 2014. One foundation of his work was the original ACEs study published in 1998. Van der Kolk has been working to get the language changed for the diagnosis because it is now understood that children who have TOXIC STRESS experience it while their brains and bodies are growing. It changes their physiology. Adults who have a traumatic event already have developed and their outcome and some recovery modalities are different. For example, EMDR often thought of as helpful had a 73% positive outcome for adult onset PTSD and only 25% for victims of child abuse.
Lately I have been immersing myself in listening to Nadine Burke Harris, M.D. who expanded the ACEs study. Here is a link to her Ted talk about this. It is only 16 minutes long and there are many more if you wish to learn more: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95ovIJ3dsNk&t=610s
What Van der Kolk says is that we need to learn to tolerate DEEP EMOTION which is essential in becoming embodied. We need to understand what happened to us to unhook ourselves from beliefs that we were always wrong or bad.
In 1995 I had a breakdown as a result of a forced indoctrination into a cult at my workplace. I was diagnosed 100% disabled and was told never to work again. Work had been my safe place and was very much a part of my self-esteem. I felt like my education had been ripped from me. It had taken me 7 years to get through a 5 year pharmacy program at great effort to overcome many obstacles.
What I am feeling like now is that the education that I gave myself then is standing with me now in being able to heal myself and pass it on to others. Trauma is rarely taught in medical school or in our public schools science. Van der Kolk’s efforts to get it labeled correctly has not yet been successful. It should be called DEVELOPMENTAL STRESS. He uses the work disorder and my therapist says the word response would be a better, kinder word. What I would want is for all of us to understand our wounds and the remedies for it that can reduce our own suffering and that of others. I Believe this is my AUTHENTIC SELF! Through understanding our pain and the path to health we ARE RESTORED!
Each of us is born as a spiritual person. From the DETACHMENT (original from Al Anon) reading it says “Abuse wounds the spirit.” This is not a spirit outside of us, it is inside of us. I believe that is the power we were disconnected from and to reconnect is to restore us. A Higher Power of our OWN understanding!
I long as does every other human being to be at home wherever I find myself ~ Maya Angelou
by Terrie C.
The principle of Step 11 is SPIRITUAL AWARENESS. Prayer means asking. Meditation is a form of listening. AWARENESS comes from recognizing that we have had a Higher Power who cares for us, even when we may be not in touch with that knowledge. My experience of prayer is asking the Higher Power of MY OWN UNDERSTANDING to help me in moments where I cannot see my own way. Both prayer and meditation could be called the SACRED PAUSE.
In the WELCOME reading of CoDA, it acknowledges that our suffering is rooted in the dysfunctional systems that we grew up in. It also specifies that our childhoods were traumatic and that our behaviors are linked to “trying to restore within us the emotional losses” resulting from that.
Early in my recovery, I was quite able to pray and follow my understanding of the wisdoms of changing myself to have a better life. I found myself unable to meditate in a traditional way despite many efforts. A couple of years ago I was listening to Bessel Van der Kolk on a YouTube video talking about his book “The Body Keeps the Score” when he said that people with PTSD often have difficulty meditating. What I was able to recognize that day is that my orientation to survive caused me to be hypervigilant in the extreme. Working with a therapist in 1989 gave me a visual for seeing myself more clearly. She called it PERPETUAL PERISCOPE DUTY. At that point I did not know about hypervigilance.
Also, in a recovery group in the 80’s someone brought the book “Original Blessing” by Mathew Fox that included a chapter on Art as Meditation. I had not done art for about 20 years at that point and recognized that I had used it as a child and young adult to calm myself. I began again and it helped. In 2017, I had a Quantitative Electroencephalogram (QEEG) to evaluate my PTSD. The statistical analysis is that anything over 1.9 standard deviations from values for healthy brain function is diagnosable PTSD. I had a lot of 3s and 4s in the categories of activity I was tested in. My art segment was almost normal. It truly was meditative and calming. My spirit must have known this at a very early age!
As recovering people, we need to understand the path trauma takes to disrupt our lives. It has been described by some as a separation from ourselves. About 3 years ago my therapist asked me if I knew about ACEs. I did not. It stands for ADVERSE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES. He recommended a book for me by Nadine Burke Harris, M.D. “The Deepest Well”. She is a California pediatrician. As she began her practice in a highly traumatized population, she began to question some diagnoses for some of her patients and learned about a study of this and decided to expand study for further understanding. She developed a questionnaire to address each child who came to her.
There is now much understanding that trauma gets passed down historically and intergenerationally. When our brains are developing in the first 3 years of life trauma interrupts normal development to self-regulate. Unresolved trauma throughout life affects behavior, mental health, and physical health. It is not our fault! Beginning to understand this about ourselves can help us unhook from the shame we feel about our inability to function. Trauma interferes with our ability to learn.
The changes to early brain development stay with us, and we can do something about it if we work to resolve our trauma. Notice that current science written by trauma specialists have titles like “The Body Keeps the Score”, Van der Kolk, or “Begin with the Body” by Resmaa Menakem.
I feel really lucky to have a therapist who has led me to many resources to understand what is going on with me and understand physical things I can do to train my body in new pathways. It feels like my Higher Power helped me get to him and I have made the choice to do the work.
I do something every day for my recovery. A main daily practice now is slow breathing where my belly rises and falls with a slower exhale. This brings me into Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS). This is opposite to the Fight, Flight, Freeze (Sympathetic Nervous System SNS) response. Normal people can do PNS without even thinking about it. I still cannot. So, a BREATHING MEDITATION is re-training my body. The science for this came from Stephen Porges. (to be found on YouTube under Polyvagal Theory)
The neat thing about this is that I am comfortable doing it. My Perpetual Periscope Duty does not get in the way like it did for other listening kinds of meditation. The activity of listening showed me to be very dysregulated in my QEEG. Another Body Meditation that has been studied and is recommended by Van der Kolk is yoga. Menakem’s trauma book has many practices to try. One is humming. This would be like slow exhale with vibrations. Shaking our body after a stressful event is recommended by Peter Levine, another trauma scientist. In a kindness and self-compassion class, I learned to put a warm hand on my heart or to cradle my face with my hands. Touching ourselves in a nurturing way increases oxytocin in our bodies which is a pleasure hormone secreted when we are touched. I have been practicing this regularly in the last year and it is very soothing. Now, in addition to art I have all kinds of mediations that are connected to my body that help me heal. Seek the things that help you feel calm.
What we have resorted to in our past that has not worked are things that gave temporary relief from our dysregulation. These in the long run were momentarily soothing but still kept us separated from ourselves and harmed us in the end. They could be substance addictions or process addictions like working, shopping or other activities. Choose proven self-soothing practices above. Learn more.
In 2019 Scotland did a summit on ACEs. You can listen on YouTube if you want to learn more.
ACE-Aware Nation Conference – The science of ACEs is fundamentally hopeful – Dr Nadine Burke Harris
Now, I know I have given you a lot of science here, and yet, even with reading and understanding all of this, I am better, but still have triggers and work to do on myself. This video on YouTube would be a GREAT start and one last thing: One of my all-time favorites to listen to is Gabor Mate (sounds like café) and he gave the keynote talk for this conference. Here is a link to his talk:
Keynote ACES to Assets 2019 – Dr. Gabor Maté – Trauma as disconnection from the self
an essay on Step 9 by Terrie C.
In the Aqua CoDA book for Step 8 which is the preparation step for making amends it advises that the first person we need to have on our list is ourselves. That we have harmed ourselves the most and been unable to escape ourselves. Yet, what most often happens is that we skip over that, minimize our own pain, and focus on a list of others we have harmed.
What has been necessary in my own recovery is to really examine how childhood trauma has shaped my life responses. In codependence, what we do is focus on others through caretaking and other behaviors. We may have gotten a message that our true self was not acceptable in our family or culture, so we hide or leave ourselves and then forget who we are. For me, this has resulted in actual dissociation and other forms of leaving like getting busy doing something else that keeps me from facing the pain of trauma. I see the CoDA program as being focused on how we were hurt and how it affects our ability to be present for ourselves. If we are separate from ourselves, how can we be truly present for anyone else?
And then when our lives are not working, we blame ourselves. This continues our pain of separation, affects our spirit, and our relationship with our higher power. In the last year, I have learned that this is sometimes called the 2nd ARROW. In the original 12 step language the 9th step says “Made Amends to Such People Except When to Do So Would Injure THEM or Others. Thirty one years ago for a group I started called Sexual Abuse Survivors we rewrote this step (called a circle in that program).
We make amends with respect for all concerned, and with compassion about how this may affect ourselves and others.
For me and members of that group, we recognized that we needed to make clear in the language that we were included in the JUSTICE of making amends. In the last year and a half, I have recognized even with that change my difficulty with sending myself the 2nd Arrow was more prevalent and destructive than I knew. My awareness was prompted by a talk with a member of CoDA who told me about Tara Brach. Listening to her opened my eyes and gave me a new understanding of the work that I still must do. A class on Kindness and Compassion gave me some new tools as did a class on Begin with the Body for racialized trauma. We used the scientific methods for healing trauma by NEUROSCIENTISTS Peter Levine, Stephen Porges and Bessel Van der Kolk as well as Resmaa Menakem, and practiced them together in small groups every other week.
Also having a big effect on me is the therapy that I have been doing since early 2017 that prepared me to make a bigger leap this last year. Trauma creates changes in the brain and separation from the body so becoming embodied is an important part of recovery. I could not even feel my body in an early session where that was tested.
As I have done this work, I have been kinder and more compassionate to myself, and I am seeing that spill over into my relationships. An amend is not so much about an apology as it is about a change in understanding and behavior. That had to start with recognition of how I was still harming myself.
An amend to myself includes recognizing people I must leave. There have been some in my life who harmed me on purpose and would not change their behavior even when asked. I did give myself permission to leave home at 16, to leave an abusive husband at 29 and to cut relationships permanently with my parents and one brother. In the DETACHMENT reading it says Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by another. This permission has been a very important tool for my recovery. I have had to grieve these losses. Grief is an important recovery process. Even giving myself permission to cry was difficult in my early recovery.
And an amend to them means that I recognize that they too survived trauma but could not or would not do their own recovery work. I practiced LET GO AND LET GOD with them. I cannot open the door back up to them as boundaries are not something that are respected.
I am feeling much gratitude that my youngest brother did choose to do recovery work and our estrangement has ended. Now we are communicating in a way that is safer for each of us and sharing our feelings in an honest and compassionate way. It feels like our true selves that we lost during childhood are re-emerging.
Abuse has been described as murder of the soul. In being traumatized I have left through dissociation most of my life. Leaving myself continually is the pattern that I most need to make an amend to myself for. It was not my fault, but I blamed myself. In a talk called SOUL RETRIEVAL given September 24th, 2008, by Tara Brach, the description says:
When we become stressed and reactive, we lose contact with our natural spontaneity, wisdom and openheartedness. This talk investigates the ways we become caught in the stress-trance and the key elements in awakening: pausing and remindfulness. Using the gateway of the senses, we explore both the pathway of presence and the gifts of reconnecting with soul, spirit, essence.
Here is the link: https://www.tarabrach.com/soul-retrieval/
My recovery is about reconnecting myself with my own spirit. We need to know our own wisdom before we can deliver JUSTICE to ourselves. It is from the healing of self that we can then apply it to others we have harmed. An old saying in recovery is that we cannot give away what we do not have. My recovery is about being kind to myself for the years of not being able to get rid of the belief that somehow, I was at fault. I was able to figure this out intellectually, but just in the last year and a half, I have been more able to see that my emotions were still in the pattern of self-blame. The second arrow.
In a therapy session on February 26, 2018, my therapist said to me “Terrie, you can just stop.” I did not know exactly what that meant, but it was so important to me that I wrote it on a note to myself and put it up in my studio and dated it. What my study of Tara Brach has helped me with is to recognize that I can pause when stress begins and make a different choice than my old pattern. I can choose my reaction. What has been happening for me is that I am actually able to accomplish that more and more.
The JUSTICE I receive from this is reparations. A way back to my own soul. In neuroscience it is said that the neurons that fire together wire together. My dream in life is to be whole. In my imagery of this I am emptying my quiver. The arrows are not needed.
When we fly, the airline staff tells us to apply our own oxygen mask first in an emergency. My hope is that if you have not focused on yourself first, that you now give yourself permission and forgiveness.
– by Beth
I don’t know about you, but my life journey feels like it has had so many twists and turns within that I lost sight of what was right or wrong and how to make a decision without feeling any fear that the decision would be the wrong one. Just when I thought it would be a straight road ahead, I would hit another fork in the road. Yet this time, there was no fork in the road. I HAD to make a decision – Do I keep living in the same cycle and repeating with the same outcomes; or do I push through this dark, messy/dense forest and uncover my truths and discover who I am at my core? It took me two years talking with a therapist on co-dependency before I could work up the courage to open the door to a meeting. I was afraid, afraid I would get the looks that I had grown accustomed to, or the comments of “I wish I could just shake you”, “why can’t you just let it go and not try to fix it?” – from friends/family who I now know, were only trying to understand but didn’t, and that’s okay.
I remember like it was yesterday. I was driving into the sunset and the song “Surrender” by Natalie Taylor came on. Her words hit me with such clarity – Allow yourself to surrender. Allow. Surrendering to the unknowns has always been terrifying to me, but I felt this presence inside of my entire being that was saying – It’s okay to let go. The BEST thing that I discovered from crossing that door into the meeting? Having the realization that the “door” was a clearer path to my “self”. To be around strangers that at times, seem to have a better understanding of me more than family/friends and even myself, but without judgement – only support.
There have been moments of painful reminders just how much denial I was in about myself and how I thought: If I can just control the situation, I can control my life. Things that I thought I could push down and ignore, have come roaring out louder than waves in the ocean. However, this time – my legs and feet no longer feel like they are stagnant and helpless. They’re moving – moving towards positive change, healthier relationships with others but the best and most important – Learning to have a better and more loving relationship with myself. Though this path has been long and hard and also one that is not finished, I can also see the miracle that is so often talked about in the near distance. I am able to recognize and be more self-aware which is such an incredible feeling and one that I’m still getting used to, but appreciating. So, I’m learning – instead of trying to always control the outcome, some days believing and others trying to believe, that my higher power truly does have me right where I’m meant to be. For that and for the unconditional support of everyone in CoDA, I am forever grateful.
I was listening to an interview of meditation teacher and author, Sharon Salzberg this morning. She quoted a line from a movie which said, ‘love is not a feeling, love is an ability”. She went on to ask what if we thought about love primarily as an ability?
That means it’s not in the hands of someone else. It’s really ours to tend, to nurture. Other people can ignite or inspire it or even threaten it but ultimately its ours. If it is inside me…it is my responsibility to cultivate and strengthen it. I am not dependent on someone else to make me complete.
The wisdom she shared resonated with me as a person recovering from codependency. So often in my life, I have lived in fear of losing someone’s love. I have hustled for my worthiness and tried a myriad of codependent behaviors to try to earn or keep someone else’s love. At times, I have been compliant, controlling, enmeshed, hypervigilant and stayed in harmful situations far too long all because of the mistaken belief that if I didn’t have that person, I wouldn’t have love in my life. I have worried needlessly about whether I was indeed loveable…my lovability…instead of recognizing my love ability!
I think often we forget or don’t really understand in the first place that love is always available to us. It is not something we get from others nor can it be taken away. Real love is a capacity we all have inside us… all the time.
by Terrie C
I am a survivor of childhood trauma and also ongoing trauma.
In recovery, it has been important to me to acknowledge my successes as well as my mistakes.
In the book THE ADDICTIVE ORGANIZATION by Anne Wilson Schaef and Diane Fassel, they describe codependent behaviors as a fatal disease and say, “In fact, there is some evidence that codependents who are in addictive relationships tend to die younger than the addicts do” (pg. 75) They go on to say, “Their disease is more subtle and serious, harder to detect and more socially acceptable than that of the active addict.” They link it to specific diseases that are common to those who suffer. One of the things that I have talked of often in CoDA are the physical responses that my body has when I am in stressful situations. Often, it has not been until these physical symptoms emerge that I have been willing to leave harmful situations, or people in my life that trigger them.
This is why it is so important to persevere in our recovery and continue to take personal inventory. And we need to do this in a balanced way counting our goodness as well as what we would like to change. For me, the language in the twelve steps focuses too much on our wrongs. It feels like a blame the victim mentality when we are survivors of family and societal dysfunction that has taught us this behavior in order to survive. Schaef and Fassel describe clearly how the culture we live in expects and rewards this! The expected behavior in our families and culture expect us to take care of them and it leads to a requirement that we ARMOR ourselves. It is like a contract that we are only good when we take care of someone else. In my case, there was physical sexual abuse, and also covert incest which is defined as a child being expected to behave like an adult and take care of the parents.
No wonder this becomes deeply rooted! Recognizing this has been part of my inventory. I had to develop an ARMOR. The paradox is that the ARMOR is what keeps us from having healthy relationships. It was meant to hide even from ourselves because the trauma caused us to feel we were wrong and bad. I am recovering from feeling wrong in a shame-based way. I feel like this is related to DENIAL that is so prevalent in addictive systems.
In her book FACING CODEPENENCE, Pia Melody identifies 5 core symptoms of the disease. Number three is OWNING AND EXPRESSING THEIR OWN REALITY. This is a description of how we become out of touch with our true selves. We become caretakers and enablers and we come to believe this is our “good self”. She says: “we apparently could not please our parents by being what we were naturally. This delusion that the abuse was normal and we were “wrong” locks us into the disease of codependence with no way out.”
So, while doing an inventory we must now investigate our old beliefs. Recognizing the paradox of our belief that codependent behaviors were good because they helped us survive needs examination. Are these “character defects and shortcomings?” It is helpful even to begin to question our “wrongs”. It is uncomfortable for many to hear what our truth might be. Some of them are unspeakable and feel shameful. We may feel uncomfortable to face our own truth. To remove our ARMOR is scary. And yet recovery is about allowing vulnerability so our relationships can be healthy. What is good and what is wrong?
It has been helpful to begin to understand the dynamics of multigenerational trauma and shame. These beliefs and behaviors are passed down through many generations. I can trace sexual abuse and alcoholism on both sides of my family going back 4 generations. Words that we use to recover have power. “when we were wrong promptly admitted it” suggests that we know when we are wrong. Careful investigation of this is needed.
I am ending with the 10th step CoDA Prayer and I invite you to get in touch with how you might feel about these words versus the original 10th step as written in the 1930’s for AA.
Step Ten Prayer
In this moment, I live my life in a new way.
As I continue to open my heart and
mind, little by little,
one day at a time,
I reveal my true self,
mend my relationships,
and touch God
May you have much success in 2021!
— Read on www.codatucson.org/
Give a listen to CoDA Founders-Ken and Mary- as they give a talk based on the CoDA Aqua Book.
(Event presented to CoDA Tucson Sept 5, 2020 via Zoom)
by Terrie C.
I am a trauma survivor. I had difficulty feeling like I belonged in my family. I have struggled most of my life to feel like I belong. I feel fear in meetings because I choose not to identify myself as a codependent. And, I know, that to be true to myself, that is the right choice for me. I feel like that would keep me in that definition, and it is not who I am. Codependent behaviors are survival responses. It is a mask to belong. I feel like if I am honest about that with others in the program, I will be on the outside yet again. And yet the program gives us permission to take what we like and leave the rest. It gives us permission to name our own definition of our higher power. I know these things, and yet the fear persists.
I have loved the Recovery Patterns of Codependence since I first saw them. Early in my first year in CoDA, I was still seeing the left side as something bad about myself and loved that there was an affirmation on the right side to help me stop those behaviors.
Over this last year as I have been doing more work on trauma and learning more of the science of it while also doing work on self-compassion and kindness, I am coming to a different understanding of that left side. I am seeing how awesome we all are that we did survive! That we were never bad. Children conclude that if they are being traumatized it is their own fault. I am learning to honor my survival and that of all others who suffer.
What if we began to look at our codependent behaviors not as something to rid ourselves of, but as something that we can use to understand our young selves when growing up in families that did not allow us to be our true selves?
What if, by understanding our young self, we could begin to have more compassion for why we had to develop behaviors that helped us survive in our families?
What if, by developing that understanding we could embrace that young person who became codependent and now as an adult must learn something new?
What if, we became aware of how hard our lives have been and began to use tools that helped us to not have it so hard as we go forward?
What if we begin to know that codependent behavior was protection for our own survival?
And, what if through that understanding we begin to affirm how amazing we are that we survived and know at the same time that change is necessary to be in healthy relationships to be able to thrive in our lives now?
For me, the affirmations on the RIGHT side of the Recovery Patterns give me a tool that enhances and accelerates my own recovery.
And I affirm that I do not have to do it the hard way, which for me has been asking my higher power to remove things that are survival responses to trauma. I do not use the words that feel more traumatizing and changed those words in writing a substitute for them more than 30 years ago.
In RECOVERY, we affirm that others who learned new things that went before us have laid a path for us to stop suffering and make it easier for us to follow them. Years ago, 1989 in fact, a therapist told me that I was often choosing the bumpy road. She was right! It was the following year that I wrote the language into my own recovery tool to help myself heal in a way that felt kinder to myself.
For me, the Recovery Patterns of Codependence is just such a tool! Affirmations have been written to guide us like a map to behavior that can identify what behaviors are not working for our lives and an affirmation to help us heal the “untrue to ourself” behavior and replace it with a new choice that we don’t have to spend years figuring out! The path laid before our time!
And, once we have begun a practice of identifying these patterns, we can become more adept at writing ones that may be more specific to ourselves that may not be included on the list of 55!
Pia Melody says hug your demons or they will bite you in the ass. Codependent behaviors are our demons! And like demons they had protective purpose.
May the Recovery Patterns of Codependence ENHANCE your own road to healing! Affirmations help us change what we believe about ourselves!
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!
By Terrie C.
Step 4 Prayer
In this moment, I am willing to see myself as I truly am: a growing, unfolding spiritual being resting in the hands of a loving God. I can separate who I am from what I’ve done knowing that the real me is emerging—loving, joyful, and whole.
In the Welcome we read that “We have each experienced in our own ways the painful trauma and emptiness of our childhood and relationships throughout our lives.” Starting with coming from a place of trauma, that is affirmed throughout the welcome reading, we can look at how our responses to this trauma became deeply rooted. Small children, being abused conclude that it is somehow their own fault. We often draw the conclusion that there is something wrong with us, and therefore we are to blame. There is a connection between shame and blame. We become shame based in a deeply rooted way. In 1990 I gathered a group of 5 other women who were incest survivors. We wrote a new program for ourselves and called it the THIRTEEN HEALING CIRCLES.
Today, starting with Circles one and two:
1. We admit that we were abused, were powerless over the abuse at the time, and that its consequences deeply affect our lives.
2. We come to believe that the Goddess will awaken a healing power within us. We become ready to open ourselves to this power and realize that we no longer need to be victims.
In recovery I AM working on changing the belief about myself THAT there was always something wrong with me. In recovery groups, we are working on becoming honest with ourselves. For me, this has been a long, hard process of recognition. In the 3rd step prayer, it says:
I can set aside all the old beliefs about who I am not and be who I am—a child of God.
For me this means an action of allowing my higher power to show me new ways of believing that are not shame based.
In Step 4, the language is problematic for me. I have never felt that I was fearless. In fact, part of the difficulty of my life and relationships is being in fear most of the time. In my trauma as a child, I thought that I was immoral because of sexual abuse. So, to try to heal by saying that I was fearless and to take a moral inventory, actually increased fear.
The 4th Circle reads:
We search deep within ourselves to appraise the abuse done to us, and how it still affects us. We celebrate our strengths and gently acknowledge the ways we would like to change.
WE COULD SUBSITUTE THE WORD TRAUMA AND TRAUMATIZED FOR THE WORD ABUSE. THIS RECOGNIZES THAT THERE IS INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA PASSED DOWN IN FAMILIES AND OUR FAMILIES ACTED OUT OF THEIR OWN TRAUMA. Blame and shame are left out.
Important questions to ask ourselves: WHO WOULD I BE IF I HAD NOT BELIEVED ALL OF MY LIFE THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? Who would I be if I had not had to develop ways to survive in my family? How would I be different?
I have PTSD which is a body response to trauma. People with PTSD live with the sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze) turned on all the time, never getting to full parasympathetic nervous system mode where we are in rest and relaxation. In other words, never feeling fully safe! Some of the symptoms are exaggerated startle response and hypervigilance. Also, dysregulation of our brain function. This can be seen on QEEG (Quantitative Electroencephalograms) and functional MRI’s.
The very first 4th step inventory that I prepared was the story of my trauma. I wrote down things that had happened to me when I was powerless. It was my honest truth.
When I began telling my truth in my family, they disowned me. That was another trauma. I was told they just wanted their “Happy” Terrie back. But I was never really that. It was a mask I wore to survive in the family. One of the recovery sayings is ACT AS IF. I feel like I have been recovering from acting as if. I said this in a meeting after another person had been speaker and disclosed her incestuous family history. She came up to me after and said that was true for her too. That felt like a true connection to another honest human being. A wonderful thing about 12 step meetings is that we really can tell our truths and have a deep connection with another trauma survivor.
Of all the weekly readings in CoDA my favorite is the welcome because it acknowledges our trauma throughout.
One of the things that I get scared about in the meetings is being judged because since the beginning of my recovery I have had difficulty with the words, and yet, have felt the principles are right. I believe the 4th step is about telling the truth about our lives. That is the principle. Words are powerful.
In the last year, because of connections with people in CoDA it has been affirmed that adding kindness and compassion is a powerful healing way and there are many who are teaching this way. I have been listening to Tara Brach, Pema Chodron and am reading the Dali Lama’s book on Happiness. I have begun an 8 week course on Mindful Self-Compassion at Common Ground.
A good 4th step guide is to recognize what we believe about ourselves that is judgmental. This leads me right back to the Thirteen Healing Circles of 30 years ago. I KNEW THEN THAT I NEEDED KINDNESS AND COMPASSION IN THE WORDS OF RECOVERY.
I believe that I can heal, and it is my responsibility to do so. I was not responsible for the trauma. For me, the trauma gave me a core belief that there is something wrong with me. That instills fear and means healing from being in fear all of the time. Today, we know that neuroplasticity exists. It is said by scientists that the neurons that fire together, wire together. Feeding ourselves recovery in a community of others who are on this path helps us all heal together. I believe the truth for all of us is that we are doing this work because we learned codependent behaviors to survive dysfunctional families.
The work is to examine (INVENTORY) our beliefs and change what needs it. We seek through prayer and meditation for help in changing that deeply rooted trauma that led us away from who we were meant to be.
I love the CoDA Recovery Prayers and have begun to use them more than the steps. Starting with CoDA step one the principle is to work on our own life (we are powerless over others). Where I am not powerless is to make the choice to do the work of changing my belief about myself.
I end with the 2nd Step Prayer and an affirmation.
In this moment, I can believe that I am never alone; I can experience the sense of freedom that having a Higher Power offers me. I can remind myself that believing is also an action, and if I am willing to practice it, one moment at a time, I will develop faith.
I affirm that codependent behaviors are a survival response to early and long-term trauma. That I am recovering the person that I was meant to be by BREAKING the OLD PATTERNS & LEARNING NEW ONES!
A Tara Brach talk on this:
Freedom from the Prison of Limiting Beliefs
The Self is who I truly am.
I know I’m in Self when I am compassionate, curious and connected.
I know I am in Self when I accept, without judgement, all my parts…even those that may create problems in my life.
I know ALL my parts are trying to help and protect me in their own ways.
The healing of my parts can happen when I relate to them from the Self in openness, compassion and without judgement.
All parts are welcome.