Keep scrolling for recent blog posts, archives, and explore topic categories.
Have you considered being a contributor? Thank you for emailing MinnCoDA@gmail.com when you have a recovery story, wisdom or tools to share with our community.
Three immediate and huge benefits for attending a Co-Dependents Anonymous Meeting:
You’re not Alone; You’re immediately accepted the way you are and the way you aren’t.
Whatever it is that makes your life difficult right now, you will find people suffering the same things in a similar way at a meeting of Co-Dependents Anonymous. You will be automatically welcomed and immediately included. You gain instant membership with very little asked of you in return. Your sharing and your silence are both welcome here. At first it might seem weird.
There is no trick, no hidden offer. There will be no obligation placed on you. If you’re like me you already have a full plate of obligations and it will seem like finding an oasis in the desert: Zero expectations.
And … it’s free. We don’t want your money. We just want you to come back.
You’ll get No Advice
At first it might seem weird. Every other place you go in this world is full of advice. Your mother, your life partner, your siblings, your friends, your boss, your co-workers, your therapist, your doctor… a steady stream of advice is aimed at you. You are probably full of advice. You probably give yourself advice. Advice is a form of addiction. I know people who can’t stop giving advice. I also know people who are compulsive advice shoppers, people who can’t cross the street on a green light without a chorus of advisors’ approval.
So in a CoDA meeting we ask that you take a short vacation from advice. Without the constant noise of advice you’ll soon notice a new kind of listening is present in the room and available for your own application. (Did you know there are different kinds of listening?) It’s a really nourishing kind of listening. It nourishes both the listener and the person who is finally being listened to without judgement or advice. Most of us just want to be heard and known. Most of us don’t want to be fixed or changed.
Codependents are learning to live without constantly seeking approval and guidance from outside themselves. They are also learning how to live a life that is built from individual choosing, instead of one steered by expectations, obligations and fearfulness. Some of us have found we no longer use the word “should”. We find better things to say to the people in our life.
You’ll quickly find new ways to “Be” that don’t include complaints, comparisons, reasons, explanations, justifications and excuses.
Nobody ever got to Heaven, or found Happiness by complaining. Noticing and giving voice to the shortcomings of others does not produce healthy self-esteem in the fault-finder. Excuses don’t excuse. Justifications don’t justify. Explanations don’t explain much of value. None of these behaviors are fun to be around, they don’t actually work. So why do they persist? The answer to that question isn’t all that interesting, it’s just another explanation.
A better question is what practices actually do work? The answer to that question might seem weird: When you find yourself sincerely asking that question in your own words and for your own benefit and not to look good or win approval, new ways of being begin to arrive in your life. If you keep attending meetings and you start to “work the 12 steps” you will start to see whole new worlds open up for your choosing. If you do the work, you will start to receive the 12 Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous.*
My recovery lies in being true to myself and to my Higher Power
The promise of our program is that when we are diligent in working the program, we will achieve recovery over personal problems of codependence. This occurs differently for everyone. A common denominator is that codependents who work and follow the program increase their own spirituality.
Adapted from the Newcomer’s Handbook
“I just need to figure it out”, “If I can figure out what to do…” Sound familiar? Most of us have said things like this at one time or another in our recovery journey.
The 12 Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous are the way we find serenity in our lives. Steps 1-10, help us shift the focus from others to the God of our understanding, a power greater than ourselves.
It begins with admitting where we are powerless and where we actually have power. We identify how our lives become unmanageable when we try to control the uncontrollable and fix the unfixable. We learn that “if I am not the problem, there is no solution.” Step 2 opens us up to the possibility that there may be another way to live and we take time to define our own personal concepts of spirituality and a Higher Power. The decision we make in Step 3 is our way of becoming willing to turn away from our old ways of doing things. The key here is simply to make a decision. We are choosing to surrender to our Higher Power, however we define that power to be for us. The how of turning our will and life over is up to our Higher Power. So next we can begin to clear away the blockages to our peace and happiness, the things that keep us stuck…our codependent behaviors, beliefs and patterns… by working through Steps 4-10.
In Step 11, we can now discover what it is our Higher Power wants us to do. God brings us experiences that we can learn from and which may help us to deepen our recovery. We pray only for God’s will for us and the power to carry that out… even in times when we desperately want our own will. Prayer (talking to God) and mediation (listening to God) help us to grow spiritually and to continually improve our conscious contact with God.
We allow time for our spirituality to develop. It unfolds as a result of the Steps, not by trying harder or “figuring it out” but by letting go little by little. We learn to let our Higher Power do for us what we can’t do for ourselves. By practicing and using the tools of the program, the Steps, Traditions, meetings, fellowship, sponsorship, service, literature, conscious contact, affirmations and more… we see the 12 Promises of the program come true in our lives.
Step Three Prayer In this moment, I can choose my own Higher Power. I can set aside all the old beliefs about who I am not and be who I am—a child of God. I can remind myself that a faith in a Higher Power becomes a faith in me, and that my recovery lies in being true to myself and to my Higher Power.
When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
In this moment, I can believe that I am never alone; I can experience the sense of freedom that having a Higher Power offers me. I can remind myself that believing is also an action, and if I am willing to practice it, one moment at a time, I will develop faith.
Step Two Prayer
In Step One, we admitted we had no power over another. We acknowledged that focusing on others to feel good about ourselves had become a compulsion over which we had become powerless.
In Step Two, we learned our resources alone were not sufficient for recovery. We were offered an alternative, one for which we had been unknowingly seeking, a relationship with a Higher Power and the assurance that we were not alone.
Although coming to believe may have been gradual, in the beginning all we needed to attain it was the willingness to attend CoDA meetings and keep an open mind.
Step Two tells us there is hope. Little by little, one day at a time, we come to believe that we can count on the promise of a loving Higher Power. We are offered a new way of life, one in which we need not be alone.
Excerpt from the Twelve Steps Handbook, Co-Dependents Anonymous
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now, say to yourself:
1. This is a moment of suffering That’s mindfulness. Other options include:
This hurts.
Ouch.
This is stress.
2. Suffering is a part of life That’s common humanity. Other options include:
Other people feel this way.
I’m not alone.
We all struggle in our lives.
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.
Say to yourself:
3. May I be kind to myself You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
May I give myself the compassion that I need
May I learn to accept myself as I am
May I forgive myself
May I be strong.
May I be patient
This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.
Take 5 minutes for yourself and listen to a Tender Self-compassion Break audio from Dr. Kristin Neff
This is a common question in our fellowship. Newcomers to our program often wish to find a sponsor quickly. Some of us in the program have found that sponsorship in CoDA can take many forms and proceeding slowly and carefully is advised. One-to-one sponsorship in our program can be tricky due to the nature of our disease. For a sponsee, it is easy to enmesh with or become dependent on a sponsor. A sponsor must be working a strong program to avoid falling into rescuing, caretaking, advising, or other forms of codependent behavior. Good boundaries are important for sponsors and sponsees alike. CoDA’s 12 Tips for Sponsors can be a helpful tool for those sponsoring.
Here are some descriptions from CoDA World about sponsorship. If you are in need of a sponsor, perhaps the information below can provide you with some direction.
The place to begin the search for a sponsor is often in your home group or local meetings. Some meetings offer a list of CoDA members willing to be sponsors but many members who are eager and qualified to be sponsors are not on the list. One to one sponsors can be specially helpful as we learn the CoDA Program or if we are navigating a difficult relationship challenge.
After you attend at least six CoDA meetings, listen for people who consistently share their recovery in a way that’s understandable to you. Talk with these people outside of the meeting to help you decide if you can feel safe working with them. Then ask one of these people if they would be willing to sponsor you. It may take time to get to know someone well enough to consider them for a sponsor. It is important to remember that no sponsor is “perfect”, as our program teaches us that all people are “perfectly imperfect” human beings.
We may find ourselves in a group in which there are no members willing or able to sponsor. In this case, we can travel to another CoDA group in the area or perhaps a CoDA event like an Intergroup meeting or MinnCoDA Meetup. Other options are to attend a phone or online meeting and try to find someone there with whom you identify.
Co-sponsoring (adapted from Sponsorship Booklet)
Co-sponsoring occurs when two CoDA members sponsor each other. Co-sponsors meet or call regularly to share what they are learning about the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. They share experience, strength, and hope equally, growing in their own way and at their own pace.
As in all sponsor relationships, the recovery goal in CoDA co-sponsorship is to have a mutually beneficial relationship. Working the Steps, changing our behavior, and growing spiritually frees us from advising, controlling, and rescuing.
Co-sponsors may choose to have another CoDA member guide them, especially through difficult situations or when they get stuck. Sometimes co-sponsorship is a good model for sponsorship when utilized in conjunction with a Step-Study Group.
Step Study Groups(adapted from The Meeting Handbook)/Sponsorship Groups
Step Study groups are groups of codependents working through the Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, or other CoDA material in a structured format, usually outside of a regular meeting.Step Study groups often have the same objectives as co-sponsors, but with more people, and members often make contact outside the group. Please see the Step Study Group section of the ORG for information and details on starting a Step Study Group. Once a group has completed the steps together, some people may wish to continue working together as a sponsorship group. Some of us in CoDA find group sponsorship to be very helpful in our recovery journeys.
Temporary Sponsor (adapted from Sponsorship Booklet)
One way to become comfortable with a sponsor is to investigate temporary sponsorship. Often the time period for such an arrangement is left open-ended. We might want to commit to being sponsors for a couple of months and then re-evaluate the relationship.
Another form of this is to ask someone to commit to sponsoring you in completing a portion of your step work, just the first three steps or just step 4 for example.
and remember…
If your prospective sponsor is unable to take the commitment, they will tell you. Please do not consider this a personal rejection. People with recovery place limits on the number of CoDA members they can sponsor. Others may feel unready in their own recovery to guide someone else. Keep looking and asking. The “right” sponsor will emerge.
For more info on sponsorship, take a listen to some archive materials from CoDA’s sponsorship workshop from February 11, 2023.
Codependents often have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.
In recovery, I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I know the difference between my thoughts and feelings.
There are many tools to help as we learn to identify, honor and express our feelings. Here is one some of us have found useful. Being able to name feelings is an important part of our recovery. It can take courage, time and practice.
Remember all the feelings are allowed. They will flow through if we don’t try to stop them or force them away. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you grow.
As we step into 2023, we are likely to focus on the ways our lives have fallen short of our expectations. We may dream of everything we want to accomplish or changes we would like to make so that the year is happier and more fulfilling than the last one.
Feelings of satisfaction often stem from our core, aka personal, values. We tend to feel satisfied when we are living in accord with our values – things like service, connection with nature, friendship, family, love, honesty, health – and dissatisfied when we are not.
In recovery, it may help to set our intention to get inline with our values. To let go of behaviors or circumstances that are no longer serving us, and to take actions that allow us to thrive.
What are the core values that give meaning to your life? Some suggestions are listed below. You can also use CoDA’s Recovery Patterns of Codependence or the 12 Promises to get ideas. Try writing an intention to live in accord with your values in the form of a wish like:
“May I try to… as best I can today.”
Once you’ve written your intention, you can say it first thing when you get up in the morning, before bed and also include it in your 10th step inventory…reviewing the big and small ways you were on or off track that day.
We need to be very self-compassionate when we notice we’ve strayed from our intention—no shame or judgement, it’s only human—and then remind ourselves to refocus on the positive intention again.
Below is a list of core values some have found helpful. This list is not exhaustive, but it will give you an idea of some common core values. Try selecting no more than five to focus on—if everything is a core value, then nothing is really a priority.
Listen in as “Co-dependent No More” author, Melody Beattie, shares her insights and wisdom about codependency with Glennon Doyle on her podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things”.
People start new meetings for many reasons. Some may be isolated from established CoDA meetings because of inconvenient meeting times or distance, or live somewhere with no regional meetings at all. Even those not isolated from existing meetings may wish to start a new meeting, one that meets at a different time or has a different format or focus. As Tradition Five reminds us, all new meetings should be alike in one way…“Each group has but one primary purpose: to carry its message to other codependents who still suffer.”
In planning a new meeting, the first place to start is the coda.org tab Starter Materials, which includes the downloadable CoDA Meeting Handbook. (The packet is translated into other languages including Spanish, Japanese, and Chinese through the CoRE website). The handbook offers detailed guidance on how to go about starting a CoDA meeting and contains copies of standard meeting materials, such as the CoDA Preamble, the Welcome, the Steps, the Traditions, the Promises, and Recovery Patterns.
A CoDA group is composed of two or more individuals whose purpose in meeting is a desire for healthy relationships. A group applies the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, as adapted for our purpose from Alcoholics Anonymous. A CoDA group reads CoDA’s Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, and the copyrighted “Welcome” and “Preamble” as they are written. These readings, along with the availability of CoDA Service Conference Endorsed literature at your meeting, help to support a sense of CoDA unity as called for in CoDA’s First Tradition.
People willing to start a new meeting may have varying levels of experience in CoDA or other 12-Step fellowships and need different levels of support. Support and direction for those starting a meeting can come from CoDA members sharing their experience, strength, and hope or from CoDA groups such as…
Established meetings
Outreach Committee
Our MinnCoDA Intergroup
Considerations when first starting a meeting: (please see the CoDA Meeting Handbook for detailed information)
What is the need for the meeting in the area? Consider others who may want to be involved in the process of starting a meeting and what people are looking for.
What type of meeting? To choose a meeting format see the Meeting Format section for types of meeting
What literature should be utilized? CoDA conference-approved literature is always suggested. Purchase CoDA Literature through CoRe or download items from our Meeting Materials page.
Where can we hold a meeting? Some groups have found Alano Clubs, churches, community rooms, and even meeting spaces in local businesses to be good places for meeting locations.
Asking for help: Members often have many questions that other CoDA members can help answer. It is suggested that you talk to members who have started meetings for experience, strength, and hope. Some topics they may be able to assist with are…
How to choose and modify a format to fit your needs
How to find sponsors
How to attract people to a meeting while honoring Tradition 11.
How to choose which CoDA-approved literature is needed to start.
Additional Suggestions on how to start a healthy meeting: What did it take to get your meeting established? The following is experience, strength, and hope from our members:
Have literature available and download and print free materials. The Recovery Patterns tend to be very helpful for newcomers and all group members.
Consider making and distributing flyers or posts to our Fellowship Band. Our free Fellowship Band App helps members of CoDA stay informed and communicate. It can be used to post info about new groups starting locally as well as fun events.
Contact MinnCoDA Intergroup and arrange to attend an Intergroup meeting to request start-up assistance funds. Group Service Representatives (GSRs) and others can announce the new meeting info at their existing meetings. New meetings can be added to this website on the in-person or online meetings pages.
Service Positions: Develop a time for a regular group Business Meeting. At the first Business Meeting ideally, elect officers including a GSR for the group. A list of potential positions is in the CoDA Meeting Handbook. Additionally, you may want to have a set Business Meeting Format.
Questions: If members have additional questions, please email the CoDA Email Team at info@coda.org or locally at MinnCoDA@gmail.com
Anyone can start a new meeting and CoDA provides lots of resources and support to help! By doing the service of starting a new meeting, two things are certain. You will grow in your own recovery and help others find a new home in the program of Co-dependents Anonymous.
