“In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.”
We cannot control the painful experiences we endured as children or mistakes we made in the past, and because we are human beings we cannot expect to live life without encountering pain in the future. What we can learn to control, however, is the second arrow, our reaction to the pain we encounter.
Through attending CoDA meetings, I learned how to breathe through dark feelings like sadness and fear rather than avoid them, and to share my experience with others who are also on a path of emotional healing.
The first arrow of pain is part of the human emotional experience, but the second arrow of suffering is a choice.
Rather than suffer alone in silence or numb the painful emotions with excessive food, technology, work, alcohol, or drugs, we can attend a meeting and feel the common humanity and support of others who are working to live life fully. As the first CoDA promise says,
“I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.”
I affirm that the codependent behaviors that I learned helped me survive. I honor them.
It is also true that they are a dysfunction that keeps me from joy.
Now, I wish to live more on the recovery pattern side of the street.
Learning takes place from repetition. Especially when old habits that do not serve me need to be replaced by something new.
It is harder to change than it is to start from scratch.
In an Ernie Larsen workshop, he taught that we must identify what the old message is (Codependent patterns). Then, we must give ourselves an affirmation that may be hard for us to believe and feed it to ourselves repeatedly until it becomes part of us.