by Terrie C
I am a survivor of childhood trauma and also ongoing trauma.
In recovery, it has been important to me to acknowledge my successes as well as my mistakes.
In the book THE ADDICTIVE ORGANIZATION by Anne Wilson Schaef and Diane Fassel, they describe codependent behaviors as a fatal disease and say, “In fact, there is some evidence that codependents who are in addictive relationships tend to die younger than the addicts do” (pg. 75) They go on to say, “Their disease is more subtle and serious, harder to detect and more socially acceptable than that of the active addict.” They link it to specific diseases that are common to those who suffer. One of the things that I have talked of often in CoDA are the physical responses that my body has when I am in stressful situations. Often, it has not been until these physical symptoms emerge that I have been willing to leave harmful situations, or people in my life that trigger them.
This is why it is so important to persevere in our recovery and continue to take personal inventory. And we need to do this in a balanced way counting our goodness as well as what we would like to change. For me, the language in the twelve steps focuses too much on our wrongs. It feels like a blame the victim mentality when we are survivors of family and societal dysfunction that has taught us this behavior in order to survive. Schaef and Fassel describe clearly how the culture we live in expects and rewards this! The expected behavior in our families and culture expect us to take care of them and it leads to a requirement that we ARMOR ourselves. It is like a contract that we are only good when we take care of someone else. In my case, there was physical sexual abuse, and also covert incest which is defined as a child being expected to behave like an adult and take care of the parents.
No wonder this becomes deeply rooted! Recognizing this has been part of my inventory. I had to develop an ARMOR. The paradox is that the ARMOR is what keeps us from having healthy relationships. It was meant to hide even from ourselves because the trauma caused us to feel we were wrong and bad. I am recovering from feeling wrong in a shame-based way. I feel like this is related to DENIAL that is so prevalent in addictive systems.
In her book FACING CODEPENENCE, Pia Melody identifies 5 core symptoms of the disease. Number three is OWNING AND EXPRESSING THEIR OWN REALITY. This is a description of how we become out of touch with our true selves. We become caretakers and enablers and we come to believe this is our “good self”. She says: “we apparently could not please our parents by being what we were naturally. This delusion that the abuse was normal and we were “wrong” locks us into the disease of codependence with no way out.”
So, while doing an inventory we must now investigate our old beliefs. Recognizing the paradox of our belief that codependent behaviors were good because they helped us survive needs examination. Are these “character defects and shortcomings?” It is helpful even to begin to question our “wrongs”. It is uncomfortable for many to hear what our truth might be. Some of them are unspeakable and feel shameful. We may feel uncomfortable to face our own truth. To remove our ARMOR is scary. And yet recovery is about allowing vulnerability so our relationships can be healthy. What is good and what is wrong?
It has been helpful to begin to understand the dynamics of multigenerational trauma and shame. These beliefs and behaviors are passed down through many generations. I can trace sexual abuse and alcoholism on both sides of my family going back 4 generations. Words that we use to recover have power. “when we were wrong promptly admitted it” suggests that we know when we are wrong. Careful investigation of this is needed.
I am ending with the 10th step CoDA Prayer and I invite you to get in touch with how you might feel about these words versus the original 10th step as written in the 1930’s for AA.
Step Ten Prayer
In this moment, I live my life in a new way.
As I continue to open my heart and
mind, little by little,
one day at a time,
I reveal my true self,
mend my relationships,
and touch God
May you have much success in 2021!