recovery blog

the power of connection

Excerpt from an article by Sarah Kaplan, Reporter for Speaking of Science
see full article with links to the research here.

Six feet has never felt farther away.

Psychologists are worried about the long-term effects of our new, socially distant reality. Decades of research have shown that loneliness and isolation are associated with high blood pressure, chronic inflammation, weakened immune systems and a host of other health issues.

But there is also hope in the data. Studies have revealed that human connection — something as simple as getting an offer of help from a stranger or looking at a picture of someone you love — can ease pain and reduce physical symptoms of stress. People who feel supported by their social networks are more likely to live longer. One experiment even found that people with many social ties are less susceptible to the common cold.

A supportive phone call, an empathetic ear, an expression of love — these things can bolster the immune system on a molecular level.

But when we are on our own, or even when we just feel friendless, our bodies gear up for danger. Our nervous systems produce norepinephrine, a hormone associated with the “fight or flight” response. Inflammation — the way the immune system heals wounds and fights off bacterial infections — goes into overdrive. (Ironically, our anti-viral response is suppressed when we’re lonely.) Many of the hormones involved in stress, like cortisol, hinder immune cells’ ability to function.

One of the most important things kindness can do is ease our reaction to stress.

“There are powerful protective effects that we shouldn’t ignore,” said Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University. “And the extent to which we cannot only be open to receiving support from others … but be a source of support to them, can potentially help us all get through this.”

We shouldn’t even think of what we’re doing as social distancing, Holt-Lunstad said. She prefers the term “physical distancing.” It’s a reminder that the virus may have forced us apart, she said, but it doesn’t have to make us alone.

life is teaching us

Staying calm in the midst of chaos and uncertainty has not been easy for me in my life.
I feel triggered by the circumstances relating to this COVID 19 pandemic.
The craziness of it.
The isolation.
The paranoia.
The feeling of scarcity.
The confusing and ever-changing information.
It reminds me of my childhood.
Of my mom’s mental illness.
I know logically that this isn’t that.
My inner parts don’t know it though.

What’s good is that I’m getting a chance to grow in my awareness that the parts are there. The defenders and the exiles.
I can see myself clearer and I know when this is over I will be changed for the better because of it.
This self-induced suffering is changing us all in some way.
I am awakening to Self and that is where the calm is found.

Meditation practice in difficult days…

Thanks to Tara Brach for providing this beautiful resource.

www.tarabrach.com/create-home-retreat/

As Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh explains:

When the crowded Vietnamese refugee boats met with storms or pirates, if everyone panicked all would be lost. But if even one person on the boat remained calm and centered, it was enough. It showed the way for everyone to survive.

Let us practice together in these difficult days so we can be that person.

boost your immunity with kindness and self-compassion

As the news reports on this outbreak of the coronavirus, feelings of fear, stress, and worry often emerge. These feelings are normal. Lives may be impacted in large and small ways. Social distancing is happening as a way to decrease the risks especially for those with health issues and the elderly. For some people with codependency, this can increase feelings of isolation and separation.

Grounding ourselves with good information on what is happening, keeping things in proper perspective and focusing on what we can reasonably do to keep ourselves physically and emotionally healthy are important ways we can hang onto our serenity in stressful times.

illustration by Terrie C

Kindness

written by Terrie C

As we face a pandemic many people will be unable to stay home from work and public places.  One of the best things we can do is to practice kindness to all we come across. 

The practice of kindness can reduce the stress of those we meet as well as helping our own stress level.  Decreased stress increases immune response. 


SElf-compassion and Covid-19

Excerpt from a letter By Drs Chris Germer and Kristin Neff,
Co-founders, Center for Mindful Self-Compassion

Self-compassion boosts the immune system, it reduces anxiety, and it’s the easiest way to keep our hearts open to others. Some measure of fear is a healthy response to a contagious virus, of course. We want to respond to the contagion in a wise manner – with preventive measures that benefit ourselves and others.

Self-compassion can help if the virus is causing you unnecessary anxiety, limiting your ability to work or travel, reducing your income, or if you or someone you know has already contracted the virus. A self-compassionate response to the COVID-19 epidemic may look something like this, modeled on the Self-compassion Break:

  • Mindfulness – Become aware of how you feel about the virus. Are you feeling anxious, disheartened, confused? Can you feel it in your body? If so, where? Is your mind preoccupied with the virus? If so, what are your thoughts? Can you validate for yourself how you think or feel in a kind and understanding manner? For example, “Yes, this is hard.” “This is difficult.” “This is really stressful.” Can you offer yourself a little space around your feelings, knowing that it’s part of the current situation we’re all in?
  • Common humanity – When you hear news of people struggling with the virus, can you allow this to enhance your sense of being part of a global family rather than feeling separate? Can you imagine yourself in their situation and say, “Just like me.” Or when you reflect on your own distress, can you remind yourself, “Others feel as I do—I am not alone.” “Sickness is part of living.” “This is how it feels to be a human being right now.” 
  • Self-Kindness – Try putting your hand on heart or some other soothing place, helping to calm some of your anxiety through touch. What words do you need to hear to comfort or reassure yourself about the virus right now? Are they realistic? Can you talk to yourself in a warm, compassionate voice? What actions do you need to take to protect yourself, or to provide for yourself? Can you encourage yourself to take these steps, in a supportive manner?

Notice if this practice makes you feel more relaxed and compassionate or encourages you to take positive action. Feel free to find your own way to be compassionate with yourself, perhaps by engaging in everyday self-care behaviors such as enjoying a cup of tea or taking a warm bath.

Read full letter…

Welcome to Recovery From Codependency | The Phoenix Spirit

I had difficulty in my love relationships, friendships and relationships with co-workers and my family. Everything felt so difficult. Why did I keep getting
— Read on thephoenixspirit.com/2020/03/welcome-to-recovery-from-codependency/

phone a friend

Remember that game show? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? They’d give the contestant 3 “life lines” one of which was to “phone a friend”.

In recovery, it can sometimes seem like the hardest thing to do to pick up a phone and call someone to talk. Why is it so hard to ask for help?

For me, it’s part of my “dis-ease” to wrestle with the thoughts that I might be bothering someone. So I don’t reach out for help. Or maybe it was that family “rule”…the don’t talk one. So I don’t reach out for help. It could be the belief that no one understands that leaves me feeling terminally unique and alone in my misery. So I don’t reach out for help. For some of us, when we’ve reached out for help in the past, we’ve been shamed, disappointed or abandoned. So we stopped reaching out for help.

In CoDA, when I go to a meeting, I find an important “life line” there. A phone list of people in the program who are willing to share their experience, strength and hope with others. I don’t need to worry about “bothering” them because they get to decide when and how they respond. It’s actually good practice for them in setting boundaries. If the first person doesn’t answer, I can go on to the next. I don’t take it personally, I take action to get the help I need.

It’s helpful to know the phone list has people who will relate to my struggle with codependency and I can identify with their stories. I find I’m not alone. Part of the program involves practicing things like asking for help when I need it and developing trust in those who are trustworthy.

Sometimes, chatting with someone else who understands or who takes time to listen is all I need to change my perspective. Often I already know what it is I need or want to do. Talking it out with someone else, who isn’t as invested in the outcome, can be all I need.

It can help to have another voice in my head besides my own. That old tape keeps playing in the background until I do something to quiet it. Sometimes calling a recovery friend is the something I need.

Codependents often don’t consider the consequences of our actions or decisions. Talking with a recovery friend can sometimes allow me to consider the consequences before I make decisions.

It’s getting harder for me to find excuses not to use this tool of recovery…thanks to technology. Nowadays people often text before calling and this makes picking up the phone even easier. When you feel alone, triggered, confused, hurt, even happy and just want to connect with someone, whatever…shoot out a text first to see if the person is open to a call… go ahead, use the life line…phone a recovery friend.


I’d love to hear how this tool has helped you. Or if you have a hard time with it, what stops you from reaching out?

Just for Now

By Stephanie

Just for now,

Rest in me,

Nowhere to be,

Nothing to do,

No one to save.

Just for now,

Quiet your mind,

No answers needed,

Nothing to figure out

Nothing to prove.

Just for now,

Relax your whole being,

Knowing you are held,

In an eternal embrace,

By something greater than you.

Just for now,

Open your heart,

Feel love encircle you,

Feel love move through you,

Reminding you that you are deeply loved.

Even though it’s hard to believe,

This is all that matters…

Just for now.

True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862

True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being – Well being is the deep contentment that arises from a relaxed, wakeful presence.

This talk explores the beliefs and habits that contract us away from presence, and several key ways we can nourish our natural capacity for happiness.

Lots of messages in this podcast that resonate with what I am learning in CoDA. The tool of meditation can be challenging for me and I have found listening to these types of talks to be helpful in exploring and building on what I am learning.

I am not trying to endorse this specific teacher however this talk on happiness resonated with my life circumstances right now and also with my tendency to frame things as “this is not supposed to be happening” and “something is missing”.

If this is not your cup of tea, feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.

CoDA Tool Tuesday-self-care

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Anyone who has ever flown in a plane has heard these instructions. It’s so well known that so many of us don’t even really pay attention while they are talking.

It is good safety advice and even better life wisdom. Put your oxygen mask on yourself first.

If I don’t do self-care, I’m not much good to those around me. Those people I want so much to help and care for.

If I don’t make my self-care a priority, I will burn out, wear out or worse. I will begin to resent the ones I care for.

Sometimes my self-care looks like:
napping #noguilt,
eating when I feel hungry,
exercising when I feel like moving my body…some yoga anyone?
hanging out with my kiddo,
date night with my hubby,
playing wth my doggo,
journaling,
walking in nature,
laying in my hammock,
binge-watching Netflix,
doing a meditation,
treating myself with self-compassion and acceptance,
laughing with friends at game night,
getting a fresh color when my grays start to show too much,
calling a friend just to chat,
saying NO when I need to,
reading whatever feels good in the moment…blog, fiction book, CoDA Big Book…
driving in my Jeep with the doors off!
going to a CoDA meeting

And of course, dancing barefoot in my kitchen when no one else is around…Alexa, play dance music!

what does your self-care look like?

the second arrow

by Rita E.

“In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.”

~The Buddha

We cannot control the painful experiences we endured as children or mistakes we made in the past, and because we are human beings we cannot expect to live life without encountering pain in the future. What we can learn to control, however, is the second arrow, our reaction to the pain we encounter. 

Through attending CoDA meetings, I learned how to breathe through dark feelings like sadness and fear rather than avoid them, and to share my experience with others who are also on a path of emotional healing.

The first arrow of pain is part of the human emotional experience, but the second arrow of suffering is a choice.

Rather than suffer alone in silence or numb the painful emotions with excessive food, technology, work, alcohol, or drugs, we can attend a meeting and feel the common humanity and support of others who are working to live life fully. As the first CoDA promise says,

“I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.”