Essential Components of Healing and Creating Safety Within

By Dana T.

Self-compassion and Self-Kindness –
What are our beliefs surrounding the practice of self-compassion and kindness towards ourselves? For many, there’s a belief that the harsher we are on ourselves, the safer we’ll be. Consequently, we often feel resistance when attempting to extend kindness and compassion to ourselves. It’s crucial to be aware of this belief and consider replacing it with a more empowering internal narrative: When I am kind and compassionate to myself, I naturally attract kind and compassionate people and situations into my life.

The relationships and circumstances we encounter often reflect the quality of our relationship with ourselves. It’s worth pondering: Does illness manifest in my life as a signal to slow down and show myself gentleness? This awareness can lead to a deeper understanding of how our internal dialogue and self-treatment influence our overall well-being and the dynamics of our external experiences.

Inner Child –
How were we treated by our primary caregivers during childhood?
Did we feel a sense of safety to truly be ourselves?
Were our emotional needs acknowledged and addressed?
Could we freely express our feelings without fear of rejection or dismissal?
Did we learn to prioritize others’ needs over our own to ensure safety, commonly known as people-pleasing?

It’s important to recognize that the younger parts of ourselves still require attention and care every day. As adults, we hold the capacity and responsibility to nurture our inner child, providing the love, validation, and protection that may have been lacking from our caregivers. This isn’t to blame our caregivers but to reconnect with our inner child, offering them the sense of belonging, safety, and attention they deserve.

Seeking external validation before establishing it within ourselves can leave us vulnerable to potential abuse, manipulation, and disappointment.  By acknowledging and tending to our inner child’s needs, we create a foundation of self-love and resilience that empowers us to navigate life’s challenges with greater strength and clarity.

Grief – Feeling Our Feelings –
Many of us have been conditioned to avoid confronting our feelings, leaving us disconnected from what we truly feel. Fear often accompanies this avoidance, as we are unsure of how to navigate and process our feelings. There’s a common misconception that once we allow ourselves to feel sadness, it will consume us indefinitely. That feeling is weak. These misconceptions are not true.

When we courageously connect with our hearts and acknowledge the sensations of sadness within our bodies, we initiate the process of healing. By allowing ourselves to experience and process these feelings, we create space for joy to enter our lives. It’s crucial to recognize that the stories we create around our sadness can keep us stuck.  Therefore, learning to detach from these stories and redirect our focus back to the physical sensations of sadness in our bodies is essential.

Why do we hold on to these stories? Often, it’s because we’re unaware that they serve as a shield, protecting us from the pain we’re afraid to feel. Remaining in our thoughts and detached from our bodily sensations can provide temporary relief, but eventually, the suppressed emotions demand our attention.

It’s a brave and necessary journey to reconnect with our feelings and honor them as integral parts of our human experience. Through this process, we can release the hold of sadness and welcome a greater sense of peace and fulfillment into our lives.

Faith and Trust –
Discovering and deepening the connection with your higher power, whether it’s God, the Universe, or any other belief system, is so important. It’s about understanding what this connection means to you personally and nurturing it to enrich your relationship with yourself and your spirituality. As this knowing strengthens, it gradually diminishes the fear that often holds us from taking risks and embracing our life’s purpose.

We are inherently divine beings, inherently good by virtue of our existence alone. Learning this fundamental truth is the groundwork for a profound understanding that we are consistently cared for by the universe. This isn’t just a belief but a tangible reality. There is evidence of this truth all around us and instances in our lives where things align in our favor. I urge you to reflect on these occurrences and write how they show up in your daily life.  Once you set the intention to recognize them, they become more apparent, reinforcing the notion that we possess within us the capability to navigate life’s challenges and find our own solutions.

This realization empowers us to stop seeking external saving and instead embrace the power within ourselves and the divine. By embodying this truth, we free ourselves from the search of others rescuing us, creating relationships founded on genuine connection rather than dependency. This shift is liberating because it redirects our focus from seeking happiness outside ourselves to cultivating it within. When we prioritize self-fulfillment, we lay the groundwork for meaningful and nourishing relationships that complement rather than complete us. In essence, we become the primary source of our own happiness, radiating joy, love, and peace, like the cake itself, with healthy relationships serving as the icing on top.

Want to learn more?
Dana will be facilitating an Online Workshop on March 23rd, 2024
Register today!

Levels of Friendship

by Karen D (from 2022 ICC)

Co-Dependents are famous for having unequal partners. Promise 6: I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners. 

This info was adapted from a workshop held at CoDA’s annual convention in 2022by Karen D called “Take My Advice, I’m Not Using It.” You can find the full audio here. The part where she discusses levels of friendship starts at 17.24 in Audio 2. The full talk is amazing… she goes through all the Recovery Patterns of Codependence so get out your copy or download it and get ready to soak in some cool insights. 

Recovery Patterns of CodependenceDownload

Things to note about levels of friendship:

  • All relationships start out as a “1”, the superficial level. 
  • Each level is a unique and healthy relationship. 
  • It is never a goal to move anyone to a “6”. 
  • Each person will drop into a category based on their behaviors.
  • You want to strive for equal relationships i.e. If the other person has you at a 2, move them back to a 2.

1.Superficial:
This is an insignificant level, and this is where everyone will start. These people do not affect your life one way or another.  Level #1 is for people you have just met, and it is also for people who have been moved back from higher levels.  The people here are strictly surface relationships.  You have no expectations of them, and there are no obligations either way.  Keep all your personal information to yourself.

2. Casual:
This person has moved forward from level 1 due to common ground, such as co-workers, classmates, recovery people, etc.  During this ‘Probation Stage’ you begin to evaluate this person to determine whether they should move forward to a higher level, or just stay here.  Actively look for and do not dismiss or make excuses for ‘red flags’.  How do they treat animals? How do they talk to their mother? How do they talk about their ‘ex’?  Are they a victim? Are you their only friend? Do they criticize you? Do they try to fix you? Do they try to isolate you?

Remember- you have only met their “representative”; the person they want you to believe they are. You may have introduced them to your ‘representative’.  After 90 days minimum, re-check for red flags if you are considering moving them forward.   At 90 days check your own behavior. Are you being authentic?

3. Companionship: 
This level begins your one-on-one relationships.  It has been at least 90 days and they are off “Probation”. Platonic roommates should be at least a 3 before you consider moving in with them.  For romantic relationships: At level 3 you might start deciding whether this is a sacred (devoted) relationship or just a friendship.  You can begin to share personal information at this level; and see what they do with it.  Do they try to fix it? Do they minimize it? If your personal information is shared with others, move this person back to a 2. Your relationships must be equal at each level. If your ‘prospect’ has you at a 2, you must also move them back to a 2. Do not be in a hurry to move someone forward- this is a nice level!

4. Friendship:
Your friend has made it through the dissection of levels 1,2, and 3.  This level is a partnership between two people who value each other equally.  It is a good time to evaluate your friend, and make sure that you are a 4 with them too.  If they are treating you like a 1, move them back to a 1 as well.   This is more intimate than your other relationships. This is the person who feels safe to you and you naturally spend more time with them than others.  Your sponsor will often fit here while you are working the Steps.

5. Intimate Relationship:
This is an equally deep partnership with shared passions, trust, and respect.  Your partner must also have you at a 5.  You can sit in a room without talking and be completely comfortable.  Time spent together builds more trust and respect, not less.  When you discuss deeply private information, you know your privacy will be respected and will not be weaponized.  You can confidently take bigger risks with each other.  This is a true companion.

6. Committed Partnership:
This is the only level where marriage can be considered.  This is a sacrosanct (Inviolate, pure, protected, secure, shielded) and fearless relationship.  You both share responsibility for the relationship, and you honor each other equally.  Your partner must also have you at a 6. This level is for that one person you can honestly say you want to be with as long as you are both alive.

Trust

It can be challenging to manage codependency at this time of year. Step 12 reminds us to practice these principles in all our affairs. Using the tools of the program we can navigate the waters ahead. With our Higher Power and our recovery community, we can face new challenges with courage and self-acceptance. 

We remember we are cared for and never alone. We remember where we have power and where we do not. We remember we are not the person we used to be before we found this program of recovery. We remember we have a new awareness now. We remember we always have a choice. Always.

May your holidays be peaceful and full of self-love and compassion. If you are looking for a meeting over the Christmas and New Years Holidays and your local meeting is not available, try checking out the CoDAthon schedule.

Step 12

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.  Step 12

What is the message? As Melody Beattie puts it, “our message is one of hope, love, comfort, health – a better way of life, one that works.” Our recovery is the message.

How can we carry the message best? By living the program. Being who we are and letting our Higher Power guide us. Concentrating on helping and changing ourselves instead of focusing on “helping” others. Having worked through the Steps, our lives are different. We have changed.

It’s worth noting that this Step can be done by anyone in our community even the newcomer. Some say, the Steps are in an order for a reason but any Step starting with a 1 can be done anytime. I agree. One simple way we each can do Step 12 is by attending a meeting and sharing our recovery. Your story of how recovery works for you is a powerful message.

In the CoDA Welcome it states, “our sharing is our way of identification and helps us to free the emotional bonds of our past and the compulsive control of our present.” It is a courageous act. One that leads me forward on my journey of recovery. I’m always amazed at how healing it is to share at a meeting or with others in recovery and receive the validation that I am not alone in my struggles. I feel seen, heard and accepted.

When I go to a meeting, my sharing is for me however, I always hear something in someone else’s sharing that helps me. So sharing at a meeting can secure my own recovery and carry the message of recovery to others.

Of course there are many others ways to carry the message such as ensuring literature is available at meetings, speaking and sponsoring, doing other service work in CoDA and applying the program to all other areas of our lives.

No longer do we need to feel lost or crazy. We can see ourselves and what we are doing or not doing. We experience life in a different way and we carry that message of hope to other codependents.

In this moment, I thank God for my spiritual awakening.
In this moment, I choose to live all the principles of this simple program. I know the wisdom working through me will touch all I meet with God’s
love and understanding. I am at peace.

Step 12 Prayer

A Recovery Dream

by Anonymous MinnCoDA Member

“My inner teenager had a dream…”

The setting was a dream mix of the caretaker’s house at camp and the current Bass Lake house. There was a lot of beige carpet, and it was mostly daytime with that Minnesota silver daylight.

Teenage me was so nervous, alarmed, and angry. She was a blend of 11 to 15 years old. In this alternate world she got to tell the family things are not okay.

It started with the dad and sister. They were sitting by each other kind of buddied up, and as she faced them, the sister on the right and the dad on the left, she communicated emanating “You guys are not acting how my heart knows a family can be.” The adult and teenage versions of myself spoke together “She is so angry about it and she desperately needs it to stop.”

There was a moment when several family members circled together and clasped their hands. The father and stepmother said, “We need to upLIFT ourselves!” They all swung to raise their arms together towards the center and upwards.

In that dream-moment, I felt guilted and isolated. My teenage self wasn’t included in the circle. She felt shamed and unaccepted for trying to tell, speak and share her real experience.

[Wound of not being believed for her reality, also trained that her experience and perception of her own reality is not to be trusted. This led to lack-of-self symptoms of codependency. Also the wound of not having a voice that is treated as valid or worthwhile.]

The family couldn’t fully acknowledge or validate her experience because of their own carried shame and toxic emotional dysfunction that had been passed onto them. [Reference Pia Mellody’s “Shame CD Parts 1-5”] Therefore, they kept her out of the circle, and blatantly in front of her showcased their intense need to be uplifted directly because of the thoughts and feelings younger me had expressed.

At another point in that dream space, the younger me (about 12-13 years old) leapt up and down on the carpeted floor in a short transitional hallway between a living room and dining room announcing to the father that “he wasn’t actually a shy person! he was just co-dependent! And therefore struggled with anxiety and depression!”

Her earth mother was there (yet not present in the aforementioned circle). She was in a smaller room off the main area, unlit with electricity, only the ambient outside light casting in. The earth mother was centered in the space nearer the shadowy wall and Teenage Me was able to tell her squarely that this was not all okay. Younger me expressed deeply that something wasn’t right and she was really upset about it. She shared that the mom had already and was continuing to pass something onto her that wasn’t safe or appropriate. Beautifully, the mom was able to carry and hold the message. The mom didn’t offer a reply in that moment.

None of the family was able to respond with an emotionally mature and validating response that would have helped my teenage self feel seen, heard, supported as an equal family member, and healthfully esteemed. Instead, they had expressed their own knife-slicing discomfort with what I was sharing. They also seemed to be making her out to be the bad guy for expressing her concern that something was off, wrenching fear, sadness, and anger.

I awoke realizing with more integration how this “seen and heard wound” is created down deep from those adults being adult children and co-dependent themselves. They were so afraid of what my young self was experiencing and sharing. They couldn’t respond with emotional maturity. Instead, they tried with great intensity and inner urgency (fear) to dismiss, diminish, and reduce my experience and feelings because their own carried shame was too great to bear.

Teenage me was left unacknowledged as well as labeled as the bad and awful one [defective wound], and the one who gets upset for no good reason. I heard that my emotions had triggered my parent’s life/death wounds of their own inner children and therefore they perpetuated and cloaked this deep secret of emotional dysfunction in our family.

My wounds [emotional losses] were hidden for decades because the family looked and seemed good on the outside and no one was an obvious addict (alcoholic, physically abusive, etc.).

She grew up hearing her parents say, “We’re going to break the cycle of divorce in our family!” So, to young me, that meant her parents were healthy and healing. They had led workshops on marriage and parenting in their community and church. They were what people in that culture called “in the ministry.” Yet it’s possible that because these hidden rivers of wounds and coping behaviors were left unrepaired, (leading to under- the-surface chaos and trauma), my mom got cancer; and therefore, she ended up leaving the relationship anyways, just not through divorce.

And to this day, the father carries his burdensome dysfunction and avoids being emotionally present with himself and therefore his daughters. Because he is not in recovery, the inner children in me can get trigged around him today because essentially, he is the same as he was when she was growing up. Because he doesn’t show his own healing/reparations with me, parts of me don’t know or feel that he is safe or emotionally maturing. He remains cloaked, masking as a very good person on the outside, while the rivers of wounds flow beneath a tar-like protective barrier.

I am the 7th generation, and this generational curse will cease with her. She is healing her recent lineage and coming back into her Higher Power. A clean clear energy without this hidden dysfunction. I awoke hoping there’d be another dream where the family members could respond with emotional sobriety, healthy esteem, and validation. And maybe there will be, but in case there isn’t, I know I can respond that way for my inner family because of my recovery program in CoDA and ACA. I am grateful for this dream and the integrated repair it brought me.

Step 11

Hmmmm… Why a picture of a plug in an outlet? Keep reading.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step 11

In Step 3 we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God. But then what? How exactly do we do that?

First, we go through the transformation Steps 4-9 to clear away the blockages between us and our Higher Power. Then we keep the way clear with Step 10.

The real magic happens in Step 11. This is where we get to live out our decision. This is where we receive the same “daily reprieve” promised in other 12 Step fellowships. See what we get is a daily reprieve “based on the maintenance of our spiritual condition” –Big Book of AA. Maintenance. That’s our work to do.

And how do we do that? It’s not a religious journey, it’s a spiritual one. Afterall ours is a spiritual dilemma. It doesn’t matter what our families of origin believed or told us to believe when we were growing up. What we need is our own understanding. “Our Higher Power must feel right and safe to us.” In the past, we may have made other people, situations, things, or even ourselves into our Higher Power. And how has that worked out so far?

In recovery, we must pursue a greater relationship with a Higher Power of our own understanding. “Through our Step work, we have been renewing or establishing a relationship with God…we must devote time and attention to it.” –CoDA Big Book

Early on in recovery, I heard, “God could, and would, if He were sought”. So seek. We are instructed to pray only for knowledge of God’s will for us. Some people ask how do you seek God’s will? In CoDA, we learn that prayer is speaking to God and meditation is listening. “Some say we pray through our words, we listen with our hearts”.

We can be patient and gentle with ourselves. As with other learned things, we will develop our own personal, unique and effective communication with the God of our understanding, in time. “Many of us who prayed often wondered why things weren’t changing or were getting worse… either we weren’t listening or we were unwilling (or unable) to carry out the answers we were given.” So we pray also for the power to carry out God’s will. This can be difficult. It means we must let go of others and our attachment to outcomes. “We must release our control to God.”

There is a difference between hearing God and listening to God. Personally, I have heard God through other people, in reading, music lyrics, in that still small voice I hear when I quiet myself, even once on a literal billboard. I could hear God but without the power to carry it out, I stayed stuck in my dis-ease. Learning to allow God to do for me what I could not do for myself came in time. With a “daily practice of trusting and strengthening” my relationship with my Higher Power, fears decreased and peace and well-being increased and I learned to let go.

When we are unsure of the right path, we can use the tools of recovery… our sponsor or recovery friends, listening at meetings, reading, journaling, detachment, letting go emotionally…

Some find it helpful to be out in nature and may experience God through the miracle of creation. Some meditate through physical or mental disciplines like yoga. Some practice mindfulness meditation. However you experience God, the important thing is keeping conscious contact on a daily basis. Just like a refrigerator or a lamp need to stay plugged in to their power source in order to function properly, we must also stay plugged in to our power source.

In this moment, I quiet my thoughts and open my mind and heart to God’s
guidance for me. In this moment, I feel the gentle peace that conscious
contact with God allows. If I am troubled and in doubt or joyful and
serene, I turn to God. I know my path will be revealed and the way to my
highest good will be made known.

Step 11 Prayer

Practice Non-resistance

Surrender only hurts until we do it. Life is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. Can I accept and allow instead of resisting? Can I practice with the small things?… the feeling I don’t want to feel… what I need to do next… uncertainty… aloneness…?

Pain x Resistance = Suffering

Pain is a part of life. It is inevitable. But suffering is optional.

With growth comes growing pains but the real pain is in resistance to changes.

Step 10

In this moment, I live my life in a new way.
As I continue to open my heart and mind, little by little,
one day at a time, I reveal my true self, mend my relationships,
and touch God.

Step 10 Prayer

The 10th Step Prayer is my favorite one of the 12. What a hope-filled affirmation of the gift of the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. So this Step is part of my daily maintenance and in doing this, I get to keep open the path to my Higher Power.

In the AA Big Book, it speaks of a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. In CoDA, we also can have this daily reprieve from our codependent behaviors and the codependent mind. It is also based on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

So looking back to Step 3…made a decision. This is an important point in my recovery. From there, I can see in the distance Step 11 where I ask only for God’s will and the power to carry it out. First a decision, then living that out. How do I do that? How do I turn my life over? That’s where the next 6 Steps come in… ending with Step 10. I use the next 6 Steps to clear away any blockages that exist between me and my Higher Power.

I take all the time that is necessary… and it can take a long time. What ways have I made myself into God, or made other people, things or situations into God? Identifying, with self-compassion, my weaknesses, defense mechanisms, controlling behaviors, false beliefs, lack of boundaries and actions which have hurt myself and those around me.

The Steps 4-9 help me through this transformation process. The first 9 steps help me shift the focus from myself and others to God. Then Step 10 allows me a chance to keep my side of the street clean and the pathway to God open as I begin to live life in this new way. Reflecting on questions like…

  • Who/what was my Higher power today?
  • What feelings came up?
  • Have I built fear or trust today?
  • Using the Recovery Patterns of Codependence, what codependent pattern(s) resonate? Where was I on the “In Recovery” side?
  • How have I accepted myself and others?
  • What self-care did I do today?
  • Do I owe an amend to anyone including myself and God?
  • Some gratitude for… ?

These and other questions can help in self-reflection. It is important to point out here that CoDA teaches us to avoid self-shame because that is “indulging, once-again, in our own self-abuse”. Another form of self-abuse is “knowing what we need to do for ourselves and neglecting it”. So here my Higher Power can help me again. I can ask for “God’s help and grace to accept and forgive” myself and for God’s strength to correct my wrongs and change my behaviors.

I’d love to hear what other questions you find helpful in your Step 10 reflections… post in the comments if you wish to share your experience!

Step 9-Amends Are Changes Not Apologies

“Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Step 9

Many people find this step… challenging. Fortunately, in CoDA, we have a method for making amends.

  • Acknowledge our harmful behavior.
  • Acknowledge the other person’s feelings in the matter.
  • Follow that with a change in our own behavior.

It helped me to hear someone say at a meeting, “you don’t apologize to the Constitution, you amend it”. That illustrated that the amends I make are not just simply the “I’m sorry” kind. Although an apology might happen, the critical part is the change I’m making in my behavior.

The previous Steps and CoDA’s Recovery Patterns of Codependence help me get ready for change because change is hard for me. Sometimes the amends come as changes in how I show up with others but a lot of my amends involve changes in how I show up for myself. Can I turn self-judgement into self-compassion? Can self-blame become self-forgiveness? Can my old behaviors transform into new, healthier ones? With my Higher Power’s help the answer can be yes! It is with my Higher Power’s help, because I could not do this by my own will alone.

One change I’ve noticed recently is that I am considering my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another’s plans. The act of listening to and valuing myself in this way is an amend to me. In the past, I would drop what I was doing or wanted because in my codependence, the other person was more important to please than myself. If you are happy, then I am safe. People pleasing was a survival mechanism growing up and it no longer serves me in relationships. In fact, it hurts me. This amend is a long time in coming. Through the power of the program and my own inner healing work, I am now free.

In this moment, I trust my Higher Power to guide me in making sincere
and honest amends. In this moment, I experience my gratitude for
Co-Dependents Anonymous and the Twelve Steps of recovery, knowing
that as I am willing to live this program, share the fellowship,
and walk with God, I am free.

Step 9 Prayer