Listen in as “Co-dependent No More” author, Melody Beattie, shares her insights and wisdom about codependency with Glennon Doyle on her podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things”.
I was listening to an interview of meditation teacher and author, Sharon Salzberg this morning. She quoted a line from a movie which said, ‘love is not a feeling, love is an ability”. She went on to ask what if we thought about love primarily as an ability?
That means it’s not in the hands of someone else. It’s really ours to tend, to nurture. Other people can ignite or inspire it or even threaten it but ultimately its ours. If it is inside me…it is my responsibility to cultivate and strengthen it. I am not dependent on someone else to make me complete.
The wisdom she shared resonated with me as a person recovering from codependency. So often in my life, I have lived in fear of losing someone’s love. I have hustled for my worthiness and tried a myriad of codependent behaviors to try to earn or keep someone else’s love. At times, I have been compliant, controlling, enmeshed, hypervigilant and stayed in harmful situations far too long all because of the mistaken belief that if I didn’t have that person, I wouldn’t have love in my life. I have worried needlessly about whether I was indeed loveable…my lovability…instead of recognizing my love ability!
I think often we forget or don’t really understand in the first place that love is always available to us. It is not something we get from others nor can it be taken away. Real love is a capacity we all have inside us… all the time.
Just for now,
Rest in me,
Nowhere to be,
Nothing to do,
No one to save.
Just for now,
Quiet your mind,
No answers needed,
Nothing to figure out
Nothing to prove.
Just for now,
Relax your whole being,
Knowing you are held,
In an eternal embrace,
By something greater than you.
Just for now,
Open your heart,
Feel love encircle you,
Feel love move through you,
Reminding you that you are deeply loved.
Even though it’s hard to believe,
This is all that matters…
Just for now.
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Anyone who has ever flown in a plane has heard these instructions. It’s so well known that so many of us don’t even really pay attention while they are talking.
It is good safety advice and even better life wisdom. Put your oxygen mask on yourself first.
If I don’t do self-care, I’m not much good to those around me. Those people I want so much to help and care for.
If I don’t make my self-care a priority, I will burn out, wear out or worse. I will begin to resent the ones I care for.
Sometimes my self-care looks like:
eating when I feel hungry,
exercising when I feel like moving my body…some yoga anyone?
hanging out with my kiddo,
date night with my hubby,
playing wth my doggo,
walking in nature,
laying in my hammock,
doing a meditation,
treating myself with self-compassion and acceptance,
laughing with friends at game night,
getting a fresh color when my grays start to show too much,
calling a friend just to chat,
saying NO when I need to,
reading whatever feels good in the moment…blog, fiction book, CoDA Big Book…
driving in my Jeep with the doors off!
going to a CoDA meeting
And of course, dancing barefoot in my kitchen when no one else is around…Alexa, play dance music!
what does your self-care look like?
Chameleoning. My spell checker doesn’t recognize it. I just hate when we take a noun and use it like a verb…adulting, Googling…
It’s just that I have a hard time finding a better word to describe what I do when I change who I am to please someone else, to fit in, to avoid conflict, to earn love.
What I know now is that chameleoning doesn’t earn me the love. The chameleon gets it. The real me…my true self still lives in fear, without the love and acceptance she desperately wants.
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery… to a co-dependent, imitation can mean I hate who I really am. Not flattery, just a deep need to be accepted by others so we can feel okay about ourselves. Underneath that need is a deep fear that if “they” only knew what I was really like, they would leave.
For most of my life, I would copy those around me. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be. I hated the question “what do you like to do?” Duh, I like what YOU like. Just tell me what you want, need, prefer, hope for, appreciate, etc…. sounds like a plan to me. I thought the path to love and acceptance was through the door of people pleasing and compliance.
Chameleoning also allows me to avoid conflict and confrontation. I fail to voice my truth when I chameleon myself. I accept someone else’s truth as my own. Ironically, each time I fail to stand up for myself in an effort to prevent abandonment, I’m actually abandoning myself.
As I have grown in recovery, I am learning to accept myself as I am. Through self-compassion practice and work in CoDA, I am changing the old belief that who I am isn’t enough. I’m starting to see evidence that it’s ok to show people the real me. If some don’t like it or even leave me, those aren’t the ones that belong in my life. Other, better relationships will come in time.
I don’t have to fear the question anymore. Go ahead, ask me what I like to do…
In recovery, I stand in my truth, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in my life.-Recovery Patterns of Codependence