This Valentine’s Day, Give Yourself a Gift… Self-Compassion

Take a Self-Compassion Break

Learn more

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering
That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

  • This hurts.
  • Ouch.
  • This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life
That’s common humanity. Other options include:

  • Other people feel this way.
  • I’m not alone.
  • We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself
You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

  • May I give myself the compassion that I need
  • May I learn to accept myself as I am
  • May I forgive myself
  • May I be strong.
  • May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

Take 5 minutes for yourself and listen to a Tender Self-compassion Break audio from Dr. Kristin Neff

How do I get a sponsor?

This is a common question in our fellowship. Newcomers to our program often wish to find a sponsor quickly. Some of us in the program have found that sponsorship in CoDA can take many forms and proceeding slowly and carefully is advised. One-to-one sponsorship in our program can be tricky due to the nature of our disease. For a sponsee, it is easy to enmesh with or become dependent on a sponsor. A sponsor must be working a strong program to avoid falling into rescuing, caretaking, advising, or other forms of codependent behavior. Good boundaries are important for sponsors and sponsees alike. CoDA’s 12 Tips for Sponsors can be a helpful tool for those sponsoring.

Here are some descriptions from CoDA World about sponsorship. If you are in need of a sponsor, perhaps the information below can provide you with some direction.

Traditional Sponsorship

The place to begin the search for a sponsor is often in your home group or local meetings. Some meetings offer a list of CoDA members willing to be sponsors but many members who are eager and qualified to be sponsors are not on the list.  One to one sponsors can be specially helpful as we learn the CoDA Program or if we are navigating a difficult relationship challenge.

After you attend at least six CoDA meetings, listen for people who consistently share their recovery in a way that’s understandable to you. Talk with these people outside of the meeting to help you decide if you can feel safe working with them. Then ask one of these people if they would be willing to sponsor you. It may take time to get to know someone well enough to consider them for a sponsor. It is important to remember that no sponsor is “perfect”, as our program teaches us that all people are “perfectly imperfect” human beings.

We may find ourselves in a group in which there are no members willing or able to sponsor. In this case, we can travel to another CoDA group in the area or perhaps a CoDA event like an Intergroup meeting or MinnCoDA Meetup. Other options are to attend a phone or online meeting and try to find someone there with whom you identify.

Co-sponsoring (adapted from Sponsorship Booklet)

Co-sponsoring occurs when two CoDA members sponsor each other. Co-sponsors meet or call regularly to share what they are learning about the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. They share experience, strength, and hope equally, growing in their own way and at their own pace.

As in all sponsor relationships, the recovery goal in CoDA co-sponsorship is to have a mutually beneficial relationship. Working the Steps, changing our behavior, and growing spiritually frees us from advising, controlling, and rescuing.

Co-sponsors may choose to have another CoDA member guide them, especially through difficult situations or when they get stuck.  Sometimes co-sponsorship is a good model for sponsorship when utilized in conjunction with a Step-Study Group.

Step Study Groups (adapted from The Meeting Handbook)/Sponsorship Groups

Step Study groups are groups of codependents working through the Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, or other CoDA material in a structured format, usually outside of a regular meeting. Step Study groups often have the same objectives as co-sponsors, but with more people, and members often make contact outside the group. Please see the Step Study Group section of the ORG for information and details on starting a Step Study Group. Once a group has completed the steps together, some people may wish to continue working together as a sponsorship group. Some of us in CoDA find group sponsorship to be very helpful in our recovery journeys.

Temporary Sponsor  (adapted from Sponsorship Booklet)

One way to become comfortable with a sponsor is to investigate temporary sponsorship. Often the time period for such an arrangement is left open-ended. We might want to commit to being sponsors for a couple of months and then re-evaluate the relationship.

Another form of this is to ask someone to commit to sponsoring you in completing a portion of your step work, just the first three steps or just step 4 for example.

and remember…

If your prospective sponsor is unable to take the commitment, they will tell you. Please do not consider this a personal rejection. People with recovery place limits on the number of CoDA members they can sponsor. Others may feel unready in their own recovery to guide someone else. Keep looking and asking. The “right” sponsor will emerge.

For more info on sponsorship, take a listen to some archive materials from CoDA’s sponsorship workshop from February 11, 2023.

Feelings wheel

Codependents often have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.

In recovery, I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I know the difference between my thoughts and feelings.

There are many tools to help as we learn to identify, honor and express our feelings. Here is one some of us have found useful. Being able to name feelings is an important part of our recovery. It can take courage, time and practice.

Remember all the feelings are allowed. They will flow through if we don’t try to stop them or force them away. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you grow.

Step in 2023 with intention

May I try to _____ as best I can today.

As we step into 2023, we are likely to focus on the ways our lives have fallen short of our expectations.  We may dream of everything we want to accomplish or changes we would like to make so that the year is happier and more fulfilling than the last one.

Feelings of satisfaction often stem from our core, aka personal, values.  We tend to feel satisfied when we are living in accord with our values – things like service, connection with nature, friendship, family, love, honesty, health – and dissatisfied when we are not.

In recovery, it may help to set our intention to get inline with our values.  To let go of behaviors or circumstances that are no longer serving us, and to take actions that allow us to thrive.

What are the core values that give meaning to your life? Some suggestions are listed below. You can also use CoDA’s Recovery Patterns of Codependence or the 12 Promises to get ideas. Try writing an intention to live in accord with your values in the form of a wish like:

“May I try to… as best I can today.”

Once you’ve written your intention, you can say it first thing when you get up in the morning, before bed and also include it in your 10th step inventory…reviewing the big and small ways you were on or off track that day.

We need to be very self-compassionate when we notice we’ve strayed from our intention—no shame or judgement, it’s only human—and then remind ourselves to refocus on the positive intention again.

Below is a list of core values some have found helpful. This list is not exhaustive, but it will give you an idea of some common core values. Try selecting no more than five to focus on—if everything is a core value, then nothing is really a priority.

Core Values List

  • Authenticity
  • Acceptance
  • Achievement
  • Adventure
  • Autonomy
  • Awareness
  • Balance
  • Beauty
  • Belonging
  • Boldness
  • Boundaries
  • Challenge
  • Citizenship
  • Community
  • Competency
  • Contribution
  • Courage
  • Creativity
  • Curiosity
  • Determination
  • Equal Relationships
  • Fairness
  • Faith
  • Forgiveness
  • Friendships
  • Fun
  • Gentleness
  • Growth
  • Happiness
  • Health
  • Honesty
  • Humor
  • Integrity
  • Inner Harmony
  • Justice
  • Kindness
  • Knowledge
  • Leadership
  • Learning
  • Love
  • Loyalty
  • Meaningful Work
  • Openness
  • Optimism
  • Peace
  • Pleasure
  • Poise
  • Recognition
  • Religion
  • Reputation
  • Respect
  • Responsibility
  • Security
  • Self-Compassion
  • Self-Respect
  • Serenity
  • Service
  • Spirituality
  • Stability
  • Success
  • Trustworthiness
  • Wealth
  • Wisdom

Starting a Meeting

People start new meetings for many reasons. Some may be isolated from established CoDA meetings because of inconvenient meeting times or distance, or live somewhere with no regional meetings at all. Even those not isolated from existing meetings may wish to start a new meeting, one that meets at a different time or has a different format or focus. As Tradition Five reminds us, all new meetings should be alike in one way…“Each group has but one primary purpose: to carry its message to other codependents who still suffer.”

In planning a new meeting, the first place to start is the coda.org tab Starter Materials, which includes the downloadable CoDA Meeting Handbook. (The packet is translated into other languages including Spanish, Japanese, and Chinese through the CoRE website).  The handbook offers detailed guidance on how to go about starting a CoDA meeting and contains copies of standard meeting materials, such as the CoDA Preamble, the Welcome, the Steps, the Traditions, the Promises, and Recovery Patterns.

A CoDA group is composed of two or more individuals whose purpose in meeting is a desire for healthy relationships. A group applies the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, as adapted for our purpose from Alcoholics Anonymous. A CoDA group reads CoDA’s Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, and the copyrighted “Welcome” and “Preamble” as they are written. These readings, along with the availability of CoDA Service Conference Endorsed literature at your meeting, help to support a sense of CoDA unity as called for in CoDA’s First Tradition.

People willing to start a new meeting may have varying levels of experience in CoDA or other 12-Step fellowships and need different levels of support. Support and direction for those starting a meeting can come from CoDA members sharing their experience, strength, and hope or from CoDA groups such as…

  • Established meetings
  • Outreach Committee
  • Our MinnCoDA Intergroup

Considerations when first starting a meeting: (please see the CoDA Meeting Handbook for detailed information)

  • What is the need for the meeting in the area?  Consider others who may want to be involved in the process of starting a meeting and what people are looking for.
  • What type of meeting? To choose a meeting format see the Meeting Format section for types of meeting
  • What literature should be utilized? CoDA conference-approved literature is always suggested.  Purchase CoDA Literature through CoRe or download items from our Meeting Materials page.
  • Where can we hold a meeting? Some groups have found Alano Clubs, churches, community rooms, and even meeting spaces in local businesses to be good places for meeting locations.

Asking for help: Members often have many questions that other CoDA members can help answer. It is suggested that you talk to members who have started meetings for experience, strength, and hope.  Some topics they may be able to assist with are…

  • How to choose and modify a format to fit your needs
  • How to find sponsors
  • How to attract people to a meeting while honoring Tradition 11.
  • How to create and maintain healthy meetings (See Healthy Meeting Matters booklet)
  • How to choose which CoDA-approved literature is needed to start.

Additional Suggestions on how to start a healthy meeting:  What did it take to get your meeting established? The following is experience, strength, and hope from our members:

  1. Have literature available and download and print free materials. The Recovery Patterns tend to be very helpful for newcomers and all group members.
  2. Register the meeting immediately with CoDA World.
  3. Consider making and distributing flyers or posts to our Fellowship Band. Our free Fellowship Band App helps members of CoDA stay informed and communicate. It can be used to post info about new groups starting locally as well as fun events.
  4. Contact MinnCoDA Intergroup and arrange to attend an Intergroup meeting to request start-up assistance funds. Group Service Representatives (GSRs) and others can announce the new meeting info at their existing meetings. New meetings can be added to this website on the in-person or online meetings pages.
  5. Service Positions: Develop a time for a regular group Business Meeting.  At the first Business Meeting ideally, elect officers including a GSR for the group.  A list of potential positions is in the CoDA Meeting Handbook.  Additionally, you may want to have a set Business Meeting Format.

Questions:  If members have additional questions, please email the CoDA Email Team at info@coda.org or locally at MinnCoDA@gmail.com

Anyone can start a new meeting and CoDA provides lots of resources and support to help! By doing the service of starting a new meeting, two things are certain. You will grow in your own recovery and help others find a new home in the program of Co-dependents Anonymous.

Self-compassion toward our bodies by Dr Kristin Neff

It’s common for us to feel uncomfortable about our bodies, especially after the holiday season. We may judge them as not thin enough or attractive enough or strong enough or young enough or healthy enough. An important part of self-compassion is extending kindness and care to the physical form we inhabit, appreciating its gifts rather than simply criticizing its shortcomings.

Dr Krisitn Neff speaks on self-compassion for our bodies

 Our bodies are the vehicle that allow us to experience life. They give us the gift of sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, thought, and feeling.  They allow us to move, to dance, to sleep, or to sing.  

We can get so caught up in wanting our bodies to be other than they are, that sometimes we completely overlook the miracle that our bodies provide: existence itself.

Our bodies also allow us to process emotional pain. Whether it’s stress or grief or fear or anger – our difficult emotions are experienced as sensations in the body.

When we resist these sensations by tensing and contracting physically, we develop aches, tiredness, and other somatic problems.

This is why it’s so important to consciously turn toward our bodies with kindness and compassion. When we are grateful for the gifts of the body and tender toward the pain it carries, we can develop a new relationship with our physical self that transcends evaluation and allows us to become more vibrant and alive.

Many mindfulness training programs like Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction use a meditation practice called the Body Scan – which involves systematically moving one’s attention throughout the body.

In the Mindful Self-Compassion program, we teach a version of the meditation called the Compassionate Body Scan that intentionally layers in warmth, appreciation, and compassion. I hope you enjoy it!

Compassionate Body Scan | Click Here to Practice 

For more resources on self-compassion and guided practices, you can visit Dr. Neff’s website, self-compassion.org. For online self-compassion training, please visit the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.

 

Step 9   Trauma-Informed

by Terrie C.

Today, I will own my power to be myself.

The Aqua CoDA book for Step 8, which is the preparation step for making amends, advises that the first person we need to have on our list is ourselves.  We have harmed ourselves the most and been unable to escape ourselves.  Yet, what most often happens is that we skip over that, minimize our own pain, and focus on a list of others we have harmed.  The traditional language for Step 9 is other-focused. Many places in CoDA literature names childhood trauma as the root of our suffering.  We need to begin with ourselves also in Step 9. 

The Recovery Patterns of Codependence lists 5 categories of survival responses to our trauma that include Denial, Low Self-esteem, Compliance, Control, and Avoidance.  Becoming aware of what we did to survive in family systems that passed trauma down is a key to our recovery.  Some of the outcomes include not being able to feel our feelings, feeling overly responsible for others, giving our power over to others, a sense of shame, etc.  In his book, the Body Keep the Score, Van der Kolk describes that we must be willing to face what happened to us in order to heal trauma.

It is instructive to examine FAMILY RULES that each of us may have taken to heart.  I am going to list several that all apply to me:  1.  It’s not OK to talk about problems. 2. Feelings should not be expressed openly.  3.  It is OK for parents to make a child a messenger to carry communications between them if they are angry at each other.  4.  Unrealistic expectations –be strong, good, right, perfect, make us proud.  5.  Don’t be selfish.  6.  Do as I say, not as I do.  7.  Don’t cry.  8. Don’t be different. (no Indians allowed) 9.  You must believe the same thing as the parent. These may apply to many and you may have many other rules. Be compassionate to yourself as you do an inquiry about your family rules. 

I see jumping right into making amends to others before we have healed ourselves as another form of avoidance and therefore codependent.  And making amends is about changing our behavior.  Facing our trauma with the help of others in groups where honesty is a value that is practiced as a recovery tool and/or professional help if we need it, is essential.  When we are able with a community of others facing their suffering, to stop minimizing how what happened to us still affects us, then we will begin to heal. 

When we can know our own truth of what happened to us, then we can turn toward nurturing ourselves.  We can imagine the little person that had to grow up with rules that did not affirm who we really were.  We suffered the loss of childhood. We did not get to grow up as the person we were meant to be. That was very painful as we lived it! 

We can begin to practice SELF-COMPASSION.  What we are working to recover is our own personhood.  When we are able to begin practicing that as much as we can every day, we will move to a place where our behavior changes naturally.  We will become better able to have healthy relationships with others because we have healed our relationship with ourselves.  There is much scientific research done on the changes self-compassion has on people’s lives.  I would recommend that if you want more about this, to look up KRISTEN NEFF/CHRIS GERMER ON YOUTUBE.

I AM GOING TO END WITH A READING FROM MELODY BEATTIE’S THE LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO:

October 1st Be Who You Are:

In recovery, we’re learning a new behavior.  It’s called Be Who You Are. 

For some of us, this can be frightening.  What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves? 

Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk.  To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves.  It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be TRUE TO OURSELVES –REGARDLESS OF THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS. 

Before long, we begin to understand.  Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway.  Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are.  We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that WORK. 

We discover that who we are has always been good enough.  It is who we were intended to be. 

Today, I will own my power to be myself.

hope for healthy relationships

In recovery,
I am committed to my
safety and leave situations that feel
unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.

Once upon a time, I became obsessed with a narcissist. All I wanted was for him to commit to me and me alone.  We had so much in common.  I loved him and he loved him.  This was my unconscious pattern.  I’d done it before in my past relationships.

I tried everything I could think of to control and manipulate the situation.  I tried different ways of saying things.  I tried different ways of acting around him.  I tried making him jealous.  I threatened to end the relationship if he didn’t give me what I wanted.  I tried to convince him he was better off without me in the hope that reverse psychology was still a thing.  It wasn’t. 

The truth is I was feeding his ego and like a vampire draining the life out of their hapless victim, he was sucking the life out of me. Still, I couldn’t seem to break free.   My mind knew the relationship was unhealthy and that I was torturing myself.  Every time I tried breaking up, I’d feel this awful emptiness and within a few weeks, we’d be back together. 

Little did I realize; I was teaching him how to treat me.  I was teaching him not to respect my boundaries.  I was teaching him that I didn’t follow through.  I was teaching him that I had no deal breakers, therefore he didn’t have to stop his selfish, hurtful behaviors to keep me in his life. 

I struggled over the fact that I kept staying in this harmful situation and could not seem to let go.  It was in the Program of Co-dependents Anonymous that I found the answers I needed.  I learned about how the pain of my past relationships, childhood hurts, family dysfunction, and old beliefs created in me this fertile soil to grow the seeds of codependency.  I found the ironic truth that the pain of abandonment flared up even when it was me trying to end a relationship.  I couldn’t stand the discomfort of being alone.  Fear of never finding “love” again kept me hanging on to whatever I could get even if it was abuse or emotional unavailability. 

The support in the program helped me start my journey of learning to love the self.  I began dating myself and re-parenting my child within.  Gaining new tools and practicing with safe people in CoDA, helped me find a new way of living and freedom from the bonds of codependency.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still codependent.  I always will be.  But I have a new awareness in my life now and I am developing healthy boundaries with myself and others.  As I focus on myself, I’m attracting healthier people into my life.

Codependents often remain in harmful situations too long.  That was my pattern for most of my life.  Toxic love relationships, friendships, jobs. In recovery, I am committed to my safety and leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.  I am learning about detaching with love and letting others own the consequences of their own choices.  Best of all, I believe that I am safe and secure, worthy of love and respect, and can handle whatever comes next.  There is hope in the program of Co-dependents Anonymous!

Step 2 Our Authentic Self

by Terrie C

Came to Believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Being RESTORED suggests that we were sane to begin with.  Step 2 invites us to change our beliefs about ourselves.  The 12 Step Program encourages us all to choose a Higher Power of our own understanding.  CoDA acknowledges that we grew up in dysfunction.  Coming to terms with the harm that came to us from this dysfunction is key to understanding our own insanity and the ROOT of its genesis. 

In dysfunctional families people who were supposed to keep us safe and meet our needs were unable to do this for us.  Dysfunction is passed down historically and intergenerationally and it is likely that our parents did not get their own needs met.  It became our job to meet their needs.  Our insanity was trained into us from an early age and became deeply rooted as it says in the CoDA welcome. 

Our culture also taught us beliefs that are not true.  My family was not deeply religious but believed children should get religious education.  There I learned that we are born in Original Sin.  This concept came from the Romans through St. Augustine in the 4th century AD.  Other faiths reject it.  The Christian church adopted it to keep citizens and soldiers in line.  Page 5, Original Blessing by Matthew Fox. 

Another belief across the world is that women and girls are not as valuable as men and are property.  When I was born women had only been allowed to vote in this country for 28 years.  Most stories only had boys as heroes.  We still do not have equality.  The choices for careers for women did not appeal to me.  I chose a field that at the time was less than a quarter women.  I wanted to be a healer and went to pharmacy school.  At orientation the dean of the pharmacy school singled me out and said that “there are no second chances here”.  After I was accepted to the program my husband at the time began punishing me.  I petitioned the school to allow me a year off and had to pay them a large sum not to give my place to another student.  No one thought I would come back.  I did come back and also tried the marriage again.  I left the marriage for good with my car, some personal belongings and only $30 with nowhere to live and a year and a half left to graduate.  I did graduate. Looking back, I believe this was my AUTHENTIC SELF. 

In my growing up years I suffered physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as well as neglect and had a parent who was a sociopath and one who had severe PTSD.  This counts in the ACEs Study, (Adverse Childhood Experiences) evaluation as a score of 6.  In order to survive in that family I had to adopt survival responses that we in this program call codependence.  Some of the Compliance Patterns and some of the low Self-Esteem patterns fit these survival responses the most for me. 

It is important for all recovering people to begin to understand the biology of TOXIC STRESS.  In a 1993 book about PTSD came my first lesson of this.  A phenomenon called KINDLING.  Repeated trauma causes a change to our body related to the release of norepinephrine which changes our nervous system and brain so that it takes less and less of a trigger to initiate a full-blown case of frayed nerves.  So, a seemingly inconsequential event can lead to full hypervigilance, startle response, anger,  and irritability.  The victim essentially develops a case of chronic over-arousal and can never “relax”.  Paraphrased from PTSD:THE VICTIMS GUIDE TO HEALING AND RECOVERY, RAYMOND FLANNERY PhD. Assistant Professor of Psychology, Harvard Medical School.

How many of us have blamed ourselves for having these responses?  It is not our fault, and it also IS our responsibility to understand and heal from.  Much more is now understood and written about by Bessel Van der Kolk M.D. in THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE published in 2014.  One foundation of his work was the original ACEs study published in 1998.  Van der Kolk has been working to get the language changed for the diagnosis because it is now understood that children who have TOXIC STRESS experience it while their brains and bodies are growing.  It changes their physiology.  Adults who have a traumatic event already have developed and their outcome and some recovery modalities are different.  For example, EMDR often thought of as helpful had a 73% positive outcome for adult onset PTSD and only 25% for victims of child abuse. 

Lately I have been immersing myself in listening to Nadine Burke Harris, M.D. who expanded the ACEs study.  Here is a link to her Ted talk about this.  It is only 16 minutes long and there are many more if you wish to learn more.

What Van der Kolk says is that we need to learn to tolerate DEEP EMOTION which is essential in becoming embodied.  We need to understand what happened to us to unhook ourselves from beliefs that we were always wrong or bad. 

In 1995 I had a breakdown as a result of a forced indoctrination into a cult at my workplace.  I was diagnosed 100% disabled and was told never to work again.  Work had been my safe place and was very much a part of my self-esteem.  I felt like my education had been ripped from me.  It had taken me 7 years to get through a 5 year pharmacy program at great effort to overcome many obstacles. 

What I am feeling like now is that the education that I gave myself then is standing with me now in being able to heal myself and pass it on to others.  Trauma is rarely taught in medical school or in our public schools science.  Van der Kolk’s efforts to get it labeled correctly has not yet been successful.  It should be called DEVELOPMENTAL STRESS.  He uses the work disorder and my therapist says the word response would be a better, kinder word.  What I would want is for all of us to understand our wounds and the remedies for it that can reduce our own suffering and that of others.  I Believe this is my AUTHENTIC SELF! Through understanding our pain and the path to health we ARE RESTORED!

Each of us is born as a spiritual person.  From the DETACHMENT (original from Al Anon) reading it says “Abuse wounds the spirit.”  This is not a spirit outside of us, it is inside of us.  I believe that is the power we were disconnected from and to reconnect is to restore us.  A Higher Power of our OWN understanding!

I long as does every other human being to be at home wherever I find myself

~ Maya Angelou