by Karen D (from 2022 ICC)
Co-Dependents are famous for having unequal partners. Promise 6: I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
This info was adapted from a workshop held at CoDA’s annual convention in 2022by Karen D called “Take My Advice, I’m Not Using It.” You can find the full audio here. The part where she discusses levels of friendship starts at 17.24 in Audio 2. The full talk is amazing… she goes through all the Recovery Patterns of Codependence so get out your copy or download it and get ready to soak in some cool insights.
Things to note about levels of friendship:
- All relationships start out as a “1”, the superficial level.
- Each level is a unique and healthy relationship.
- It is never a goal to move anyone to a “6”.
- Each person will drop into a category based on their behaviors.
- You want to strive for equal relationships i.e. If the other person has you at a 2, move them back to a 2.
1.Superficial:
This is an insignificant level, and this is where everyone will start. These people do not affect your life one way or another. Level #1 is for people you have just met, and it is also for people who have been moved back from higher levels. The people here are strictly surface relationships. You have no expectations of them, and there are no obligations either way. Keep all your personal information to yourself.
2. Casual:
This person has moved forward from level 1 due to common ground, such as co-workers, classmates, recovery people, etc. During this ‘Probation Stage’ you begin to evaluate this person to determine whether they should move forward to a higher level, or just stay here. Actively look for and do not dismiss or make excuses for ‘red flags’. How do they treat animals? How do they talk to their mother? How do they talk about their ‘ex’? Are they a victim? Are you their only friend? Do they criticize you? Do they try to fix you? Do they try to isolate you?
Remember- you have only met their “representative”; the person they want you to believe they are. You may have introduced them to your ‘representative’. After 90 days minimum, re-check for red flags if you are considering moving them forward. At 90 days check your own behavior. Are you being authentic?
3. Companionship:
This level begins your one-on-one relationships. It has been at least 90 days and they are off “Probation”. Platonic roommates should be at least a 3 before you consider moving in with them. For romantic relationships: At level 3 you might start deciding whether this is a sacred (devoted) relationship or just a friendship. You can begin to share personal information at this level; and see what they do with it. Do they try to fix it? Do they minimize it? If your personal information is shared with others, move this person back to a 2. Your relationships must be equal at each level. If your ‘prospect’ has you at a 2, you must also move them back to a 2. Do not be in a hurry to move someone forward- this is a nice level!
4. Friendship:
Your friend has made it through the dissection of levels 1,2, and 3. This level is a partnership between two people who value each other equally. It is a good time to evaluate your friend, and make sure that you are a 4 with them too. If they are treating you like a 1, move them back to a 1 as well. This is more intimate than your other relationships. This is the person who feels safe to you and you naturally spend more time with them than others. Your sponsor will often fit here while you are working the Steps.
5. Intimate Relationship:
This is an equally deep partnership with shared passions, trust, and respect. Your partner must also have you at a 5. You can sit in a room without talking and be completely comfortable. Time spent together builds more trust and respect, not less. When you discuss deeply private information, you know your privacy will be respected and will not be weaponized. You can confidently take bigger risks with each other. This is a true companion.
6. Committed Partnership:
This is the only level where marriage can be considered. This is a sacrosanct (Inviolate, pure, protected, secure, shielded) and fearless relationship. You both share responsibility for the relationship, and you honor each other equally. Your partner must also have you at a 6. This level is for that one person you can honestly say you want to be with as long as you are both alive.