Welcome to Recovery From Codependency | The Phoenix Spirit

I had difficulty in my love relationships, friendships and relationships with co-workers and my family. Everything felt so difficult. Why did I keep getting
— Read on thephoenixspirit.com/2020/03/welcome-to-recovery-from-codependency/

phone a friend

Remember that game show? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? They’d give the contestant 3 “life lines” one of which was to “phone a friend”.

In recovery, it can sometimes seem like the hardest thing to do to pick up a phone and call someone to talk. Why is it so hard to ask for help?

For me, it’s part of my “dis-ease” to wrestle with the thoughts that I might be bothering someone. So I don’t reach out for help. Or maybe it was that family “rule”…the don’t talk one. So I don’t reach out for help. It could be the belief that no one understands that leaves me feeling terminally unique and alone in my misery. So I don’t reach out for help. For some of us, when we’ve reached out for help in the past, we’ve been shamed, disappointed or abandoned. So we stopped reaching out for help.

In CoDA, when I go to a meeting, I find an important “life line” there. A phone list of people in the program who are willing to share their experience, strength and hope with others. I don’t need to worry about “bothering” them because they get to decide when and how they respond. It’s actually good practice for them in setting boundaries. If the first person doesn’t answer, I can go on to the next. I don’t take it personally, I take action to get the help I need.

It’s helpful to know the phone list has people who will relate to my struggle with codependency and I can identify with their stories. I find I’m not alone. Part of the program involves practicing things like asking for help when I need it and developing trust in those who are trustworthy.

Sometimes, chatting with someone else who understands or who takes time to listen is all I need to change my perspective. Often I already know what it is I need or want to do. Talking it out with someone else, who isn’t as invested in the outcome, can be all I need.

It can help to have another voice in my head besides my own. That old tape keeps playing in the background until I do something to quiet it. Sometimes calling a recovery friend is the something I need.

Codependents often don’t consider the consequences of our actions or decisions. Talking with a recovery friend can sometimes allow me to consider the consequences before I make decisions.

It’s getting harder for me to find excuses not to use this tool of recovery…thanks to technology. Nowadays people often text before calling and this makes picking up the phone even easier. When you feel alone, triggered, confused, hurt, even happy and just want to connect with someone, whatever…shoot out a text first to see if the person is open to a call… go ahead, use the life line…phone a recovery friend.


I’d love to hear how this tool has helped you. Or if you have a hard time with it, what stops you from reaching out?

Just for Now

By Stephanie

Just for now,

Rest in me,

Nowhere to be,

Nothing to do,

No one to save.

Just for now,

Quiet your mind,

No answers needed,

Nothing to figure out

Nothing to prove.

Just for now,

Relax your whole being,

Knowing you are held,

In an eternal embrace,

By something greater than you.

Just for now,

Open your heart,

Feel love encircle you,

Feel love move through you,

Reminding you that you are deeply loved.

Even though it’s hard to believe,

This is all that matters…

Just for now.

True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862

True Happiness: Realizing Well-Being – Well being is the deep contentment that arises from a relaxed, wakeful presence.

This talk explores the beliefs and habits that contract us away from presence, and several key ways we can nourish our natural capacity for happiness.

Lots of messages in this podcast that resonate with what I am learning in CoDA. The tool of meditation can be challenging for me and I have found listening to these types of talks to be helpful in exploring and building on what I am learning.

I am not trying to endorse this specific teacher however this talk on happiness resonated with my life circumstances right now and also with my tendency to frame things as “this is not supposed to be happening” and “something is missing”.

If this is not your cup of tea, feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.

CoDA Tool Tuesday-self-care

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Anyone who has ever flown in a plane has heard these instructions. It’s so well known that so many of us don’t even really pay attention while they are talking.

It is good safety advice and even better life wisdom. Put your oxygen mask on yourself first.

If I don’t do self-care, I’m not much good to those around me. Those people I want so much to help and care for.

If I don’t make my self-care a priority, I will burn out, wear out or worse. I will begin to resent the ones I care for.

Sometimes my self-care looks like:
napping #noguilt,
eating when I feel hungry,
exercising when I feel like moving my body…some yoga anyone?
hanging out with my kiddo,
date night with my hubby,
playing wth my doggo,
journaling,
walking in nature,
laying in my hammock,
binge-watching Netflix,
doing a meditation,
treating myself with self-compassion and acceptance,
laughing with friends at game night,
getting a fresh color when my grays start to show too much,
calling a friend just to chat,
saying NO when I need to,
reading whatever feels good in the moment…blog, fiction book, CoDA Big Book…
driving in my Jeep with the doors off!
going to a CoDA meeting

And of course, dancing barefoot in my kitchen when no one else is around…Alexa, play dance music!

what does your self-care look like?

the second arrow

by Rita E.

“In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.”

~The Buddha

We cannot control the painful experiences we endured as children or mistakes we made in the past, and because we are human beings we cannot expect to live life without encountering pain in the future. What we can learn to control, however, is the second arrow, our reaction to the pain we encounter. 

Through attending CoDA meetings, I learned how to breathe through dark feelings like sadness and fear rather than avoid them, and to share my experience with others who are also on a path of emotional healing.

The first arrow of pain is part of the human emotional experience, but the second arrow of suffering is a choice.

Rather than suffer alone in silence or numb the painful emotions with excessive food, technology, work, alcohol, or drugs, we can attend a meeting and feel the common humanity and support of others who are working to live life fully. As the first CoDA promise says,

“I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.”

grow and let go

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next.

Ursula LeGuin

The world around us changes constantly. Trees turn from green to beautiful shades of yellow, orange, and red in the fall. Yet, even if we watched the trees carefully, every minute of the day, we could not actually see the colors change. Change requires time, preparation, and patience.

To make the changes we want, we need to let go of unhealthy but comfortable patterns that we’re stuck in, the way the trees let their colors change and finally let go of their leaves altogether. We can’t have total change right now, no matter how much we want it. It’s important to accept both who we are now and who we are becoming. Just as the tree trusts without question that its leaves will grow and lets go of them when the time comes, we can believe in our own power to grow and let go of our accomplishments when the time is right.

When we do, we can be assured that our lives will blossom again, like trees in the spring coming to life after a cold winter.

~from the book, “Today’s Gift, Daily Meditations for Families”

detachment

by Terrie C.
Abuse wounds our spirits.  Living with the effects of abuse is too devastating for most people to bear without help.

Detachment helps us give ourselves what we need

Detachment is a tool for recovering people. Through detachment we learn we were not responsible for the abuse done to us. We also learn we cannot control whether the perpetrator chooses to accept responsibility for the abuse, or whether others we are in relationship with believe us or support our recovery. We learn to let go of obsessing about another’s behavior. We begin to lead happier and more manageable lives. Lives with dignity and rights. Lives guided by a spirit greater than ourselves. In recovery, we learn…

  • Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of others;
  • Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused in the interest of another;
  • Not to do for others what they need to do for themselves;
  • Not to manipulate situations or other people;
  • Not to cover-up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds;
  • Not to create a crisis,
  • Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.

Detachment is neither kind, nor unkind. It does not imply evaluation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means to look at our problems realistically and to give ourselves what we need. It aids us in making intelligent decisions.

Changed slightly from Al Anon version to make it more inclusive

step one

Step One
In CoDA that is Step One.

We admitted we were powerless over others- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step One of Co-Dependents Anonymous

My home group focuses on the step corresponding to the month. January is one, February…two, etc. So this week’s CoDA Tool Tuesday piece is on step one.

Step one is a tool I use all the time. All my problems are first step problems. I’m trying to control someone or something that I have no power over. When I do this, my life becomes crazier.

The antidote to this behavior is not to try harder or to keep fighting or even to get creative with my problem solving. No, it’s to surrender. Yes, give up. If you are like me, giving up and surrendering seems like failing. I hated the mention of it. Not an option.

After finding recovery in CoDA, I now know that surrender is really the only way to win. I just need to take the first step. That means recognizing where I have power and more importantly, where I don’t.

So here’s how it works…when I’m ready to share and release my painful feelings, losses, experiences…you know…the yuck, then I can begin to accept my past, and start to act in healthier ways. CoDA has an awesome list of questions to ask yourself in the section of the big book on step one. Things like “Where did I learn to control others for my sense of well-being?” and “Where and how did I learn that having a relationship would make me whole?”
These questions and others can help lead me to reflect on the roots of my behaviors and see how my powerlessness and unmanageability started in childhood and flourished in adulthood.

As a kid, like kids often do, I truly believed I was responsible for the behavior and feelings of others. It happened when adults used blame or shame. You know how someone would say, “you make me so mad!” or “if you… you will make her so happy.” It happened when something upsetting occurred and my mind needed to figure out what I did to cause it so I could prevent it from happening again. If I make my bed quicker, my mom won’t rage at me… It felt real. If I was a good student, I got positive responses from adults. If I fought with my brothers or disagreed with a grown-up, I would see the reaction ‘I caused”. I started to see how I could “control” the behaviors and feelings of others by changing what I did and said. And I used this superpower to survive for a very long time. Unfortunately, this false power began making my life unmanageable as I grew up. Control, manipulation, people pleasing, fixing,,, it damages relationships and steals joy. Step one has shown me that realizing where I am powerless and where I truly have power allows me to stop fighting against what is happening and hang on to my serenity.

So here’s some things I’m struggling to accept my powerless over today..
-whether my teenage daughter turns in her homework…or not.
-my aging body and all the joys that go along with that.
-when Netflix will run a fourth season of Stranger Things.
-that people I love will sometimes disagree with me.
-how my ex-husband spends his money.
-how Minnesotans can’t seem to properly zipper merge.
-that people get sick and even die.
-the fact that pain is a part of life.

Basically, it boils down to this…
where we do not have power is the thoughts, choices, feelings and actions of OTHER people. It is only in MY thoughts, MY choices, MY feelings and MY actions where my power lies. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are not in my control. That’s okay too. Then I just accept my powerlessness over my feelings and let them be felt.

Powerlessness. Once I have recognized what it is and how it started, I can take the step toward accepting it. Then and only then can I find and embrace my true power.

what is detachment? and how do I let go?

The tool of detachment is a powerful way we can deal with situations that could harm us. It is a choice to disengage emotionally from people or situations. We strive to detach with love for ourselves and others knowing that we are not responsible for the behavior of others and they are not responsible for our happiness.

Many of us are dealing with difficult situations. Drug and alcohol abuse, relationship problems, parenting issues, caring for aging parents, job stress, death or illness…

When the other person is making choices that we don’t like, what can we do? When it we are making ourselves crazy trying to control a situation that we can’t control, how do we find sanity?

A helpful way for me to remember detachment is this…
D on’t
E ven
T hink
A bout
C hanging
H im/Her

If I’m not the problem, there is no solution. If the other person’s behavior is the problem, I cannot solve that.

So in the CoDA big book, we can explore the question of what is the difference between detachment and avoidance? or rather, what is the difference between letting go and running away?

Simply put, detachment is a conscious act of self-care where avoidance is often an unconscious, dysfunctional coping mechanism. Detachment is driven by love and avoidance is fear based. As a codependent, I can sometimes swing between the extremes. controlling people and outcomes on one end and neglecting responsibility to others by running away or ignoring them on the other end.

Detachment can be difficult. When I began recovery, letting go was just not possible on my own. With time and my Higher Power’s help, I slowly began to understand things like the fact that other people are capable of managing their own lives and that I can accept the choices of other people even if I’m not comfortable with them.

As I gained more tools like trust in an loving Higher Power, support from recovery friends and of course…boundaries, detachment became doable. Still difficult, but doable.

Recently, my dad who is 87 had his boiler go out in his home. My first action was to go in and try to help. While he didn’t want to come stay with me while he waited for the new one to arrive 10-14 days later, he would accept some space heaters. For my own sanity, I had to use detachment because while I didn’t like his choice to remain in his Minnesota home in January, I had done all I could do to help. Old behaviors of trying to manipulate, control or shame him into changing his mind would have just harmed both of us. Detachment allowed me to love and respect both dad and myself. When I feel the worry rise up, I trust the outcome to his Higher Power and make the choice to detach again. Of course a bit of added self-compassion for how hard it is also helped me to detach with love.

I love how Melody Beattie put in in her piece on detachment from the Language of Letting Go… “Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others and letting go.”

I’d love to hear how the tool of detachment has worked for you. Leave a comment or question below.