Co-Dependents Anonymous of Minnesota
Keep scrolling for recent blog posts, archives, and explore topic categories.
#ineedcommunity #buildcodacommunity
Have you considered being a contributor?
Thank you for emailing MinnCoDA@gmail.com when you have a recovery story, wisdom or tools to share with our community.
Need a meeting over the holidays? CoDA World has online meetings available. Check out the schedule here…
100 % of the time, when I am triggered by a person, place or thing, it is because of me.
The source of the trigger lies within me.
~ Terri Cole
Many of us talk in terms of “being triggered”. Often we want to avoid being triggered or triggering someone else. I have learned over time that recovery is not about not being triggered. Instead, when I am triggered, it is an opportunity to heal something that is unhealed within me. When we bring awareness to any difficult situation, we can choose to do things differently so that we don’t react in habitual ways.
Recovery teaches us to be mindful of what triggers our strong desire to escape, to grab our addiction of choice and run for the hills. It is not about judging these impulses or making oneself wrong for having them; it is about noticing them as they arise. I have a strong, protective part of me I refer to as my “runaway driver”. When it prompts me to remove myself from a harmful situation, it is helpful. When it takes over and causes me to run away instead of communicate in healthy ways, it can be destructive.
Now I choose to tune in when I am triggered. It’s time to take a deep breath and do my best to stay present, allowing myself to feel what I’d rather avoid. Mindfulness helps me connect with what is happening inside my body and where I may be experiencing tension. I can take a moment to sense what is really happening inside before I try to change what goes on outside.
It is still uncomfortable to experience a trigger but I don’t have to walk around fearing it or avoiding people or situations in an attempt to prevent being triggered. I understand I have many ways I can cope including…
When I want to run is when I most need to stay present and aware.
For those with PTSD or other disorders that impact daily life, seeking professional therapy such as EMDR, DBT or other trauma-focused therapies may help.
I am a patient person.
It is okay to wait.
There is no hurry.
The more patient I am, the lighter I feel.
Being patient helps me enjoy the life I have right in front of me.
I trust the timing of my life.
This week, I ignored the God given gift of my intuition and paid the price… literally. I drove angry, got pulled over and ticketed for speeding.
Higher Power, help me slow down and become more self-aware.
The acronym HALT means never get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely, or too Tired. Each of these conditions can fog our minds so that we lose sight of our purpose – healthy relationships and recovery from our codependent behaviors. Each of these conditions can be managed by making choices to care for myself in healthy ways. Nourish myself, rest, go to a meeting or recovery event, reach out to a friend or sponsor, take a moment to focus on my breath, pray or meditate, exercise or take a walk…
If we can become more aware of our thoughts and feelings, we will avoid some pain and some slips. HALT is a good slogan to keep in mind.
How do you practice HALT?
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
~Havelock Ellis
The wisdom that we attempt to develop in recovery is how to balance the letting go and the holding on in our lives. Many of us have sunk into deep holes of crisis and despair by holding on too tightly when we needed to let go. In other ways, perhaps, we have given up too easily when, with faith and trust, we could have held on to opportunities and values that seemed out of reach.
The Serenity Prayer speaks of the “wisdom to know the difference.” This power to discern between what we must accept and what we can change creates a deep sense of peace. It brings calm to our intimate partnership, success to our recovery from addiction and codependency, and greater effectiveness in our work life.
Today, I pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what I must accept and what I can change.
By Anna H
My relationship with my partner had become strained in the past week. In our attempts to try to communicate with each other about our own needs, we seemed to be triggering each other, and it felt like neither of us was doing a good job of really hearing each other, because our own inner children were screaming for us to pay attention to them (or, at least, that was my interpretation). So, we walked away from the conversation with a lot that still seemed unresolved.
My anxious urge when there is conflict in important relationships is to try to talk about it and resolve it as soon as possible, mostly in an attempt to soothe my own feelings of discomfort – not necessarily because an immediate resolution is good for all the parties involved! Sometimes this also involves over-apologizing or even apologizing for things that aren’t my fault, just to get to the “resolution” so my anxiety feels better – he is not asking me to do that, it’s just a part of my conditioning from childhood that I am trying to change.
This time around, I had told myself that I would try to let go of my urge to reach out right away and give him the space that he probably wanted. I had recently read that sometimes it is helpful to turn toward the thing you are most afraid of. In this case, I was afraid of abandonment (and rejection), so, I would give him as much space as he needed and risk abandonment (and rejection) in the process. I wouldn’t call or text or email, or do a quick ask for some reassurance that he didn’t “hate me” now, or even ask him when he might feel okay to start talking to me again, as I knew those were all my typical anxiety behaviors and were all attempts to get him to fix my feelings of distress.
It actually felt like I was making a smart choice in giving the relationship some space to come back to a more serene place. And then, wouldn’t you know it, the very next day after making that promise to myself, I was “feeling in a good mood” and felt a desire to reach out with a “friendly” message to my partner – a picture of the bouquet of flowers on my desk and wishing him a good day. Sure, I had broken the previous day’s promise to myself but, it was okay because I had “positive intentions,” and I genuinely was feeling good in that moment (I thought).
Afterwards, I felt uncomfortable with myself. I had broken yet another promise I had made to myself. We had just read the 7/22 Melody Beattie reflection about trust the night before, in our local CoDA meeting. And now I was reminded that keeping promises to myself was also important to my growth. In fact, I had been setting very small daily goals (as little as one small but meaningful task per day) to start practicing keeping promises to myself. Yesterday it was to take out the garbage, and I did it! I felt proud of myself for doing the task I had set for myself, and I ended up throwing in some other tasks along with it, since I was on a roll. Apparently there is a lot of power in developing self-trust.
On a break during my work day today, I revisited my claim that I was “just sending a friendly message to my partner, and my intentions were purely good!” And it was in that moment that some of my CoDA learning started to kick in. Could it be that, subconsciously, I sent that message as a way to “manipulate and control” my partner? I knew I wasn’t acting out of malice or with any “evil intent,” but here are some things I observed when I looked more deeply:
(1) I was trying to manipulate and control his feelings, especially his feelings about me. In reality, we are all allowed to feel upset at each other now and then, his right to have emotions is just as valid as mine.
(2) It was probably also an attempt to preserve our “connection” or to prove that I’m a “good person,” again trying to avoid abandonment and rejection.
(3) And finally, I was trying to “get him to” make my emotions feel better – taking all of my power and agency and putting it on him and trying to make it his responsibility when I actually have the power to care for myself when I’m feeling distress (it’s a work in progress), or I could have even turned to my higher power for help with the feelings I was feeling.
Who knew? Yes, aha! I was reaching out in an attempt to manipulate and control! Once I had that realization, my anxiety decreased, and I felt a lot more comfortable with attempting a re-do of that promise to myself: I would give him plenty of space, because I am willing to risk abandonment and rejection, because that risk isn’t really real. My inner parent won’t abandon and reject my inner child. This is not a life and death survival issue. And my higher power will not abandon or reject me. I spoke with my inner child today and gave her some of what she was needing this morning. I feel like I am growing in my ability to keep promises to myself, and I feel like I have a little more strength and faith that I am slowly becoming someone who can respect myself and respect others whom I love.
Maybe closing my eyes to the desire
closes my arms to it’s fulfillment.— Melody Beattie,
The Language of Letting Go
by Melinda H
Dare to feel your desire. Dare to long for it,
to feel the hunger in your soul,
the ache in the absence of its fulfillment,
and the pain that lets you know exactly how much you want it.
Dare to speak it, to name it all,
the hopes, the fears, the endless contradictions.
Dare to let it move you and move through you,
out into the world to touch the longing in others.
Do not confine it with perfectionism.
If it’s messy, dare to be in the mess.
If others don’t understand, dare to let them
misunderstand you, and see you anyway.
If it’s not convenient, dare to inconvenience.
Then, dare to entertain the possibility that this desire will go unfulfilled.
Dare to surrender whatever path you hoped would bring it about,
grieve its death, and give yourself over to the uncertainty of the unknown.
Release it, rest wide open, and dare to receive.
The upcoming online workshop, Journey to Healing, Creating Safety Within will include information on the tool of meditation… read more below on how the presenter came to a deeper connection with her inner world and her Higher Power through meditation. If you want to experience more on this topic, sign up now for the March 23rd workshop here!
Meditation is a practice that involves training the mind to focus and redirect thoughts, often leading to a state of relaxation and heightened awareness.
By Dana T.
Learning to connect with my feelings was a process of unlearning and relearning what I had been taught since childhood. For many years, I found myself trapped in my thoughts, attempting to make sense of emotional discomfort with logic, aka getting stuck in my stories. Yet, my body was sending signals – my stomach clenched, my chest felt tight, and I felt an overall sense of uncomfortableness in my body. Little did I realize; these physical sensations were tied to my emotional state. I could sense it vaguely; when troubling thoughts arose, my stomach would knot up. But comprehending this link eluded me; it all seemed like a jumble of emotions, sensations, and thoughts, tightly wound together. From my years of studying codependency, I refer to this as enmeshment.
Unraveling this tight knot has been a journey, and in doing so, I’ve found space between my thoughts and feelings. The entanglement of my thoughts and feelings mirrored the enmeshment I had with my primary caregivers as a child. I found it fascinating how the dynamics within my family mirrored those within my own mind, emotions, and feelings. Recognizing this parallel was a pivotal step in establishing a sense of inner safety.
How did I cultivate this internal space? Meditation became my tool. It was a practice of mindfulness, but instead of focusing solely on my breath, I directed my attention to a sensation within my body. Whenever my mind attempted to analyze or interpret this sensation, I gently steered my focus back to the feeling within my body.
Our brains are wired to find meaning, especially when there’s an alarm signal going off in our bodies. In such moments, the brain creates stories that seem logical, all in the name of ensuring our safety. Whenever I caught myself crafting a story around the sensation, I consciously shifted my focus back to my body. Just like any new skill, mastering this redirection of focus required patience and practice.
With kindness and gentleness, I began to notice the sensation in my body, allowing curiosity to guide me. What color is it? What shape does it take? etc… These questions gently led me deeper into understanding what these sensations were trying to tell me.
Gradually, I came to realize that the sensations within my body served as my internal guidance system, offering guidance I could use for empowerment. Embracing, tending to, and nurturing these uncomfortable sensations replaced my urge to fight and eliminate them.
This practice marked the beginning of a beautiful new connection with my inner world and a deeper connection with my higher power.
By Dana T.
Self-compassion and Self-Kindness –
What are our beliefs surrounding the practice of self-compassion and kindness towards ourselves? For many, there’s a belief that the harsher we are on ourselves, the safer we’ll be. Consequently, we often feel resistance when attempting to extend kindness and compassion to ourselves. It’s crucial to be aware of this belief and consider replacing it with a more empowering internal narrative: When I am kind and compassionate to myself, I naturally attract kind and compassionate people and situations into my life.
The relationships and circumstances we encounter often reflect the quality of our relationship with ourselves. It’s worth pondering: Does illness manifest in my life as a signal to slow down and show myself gentleness? This awareness can lead to a deeper understanding of how our internal dialogue and self-treatment influence our overall well-being and the dynamics of our external experiences.
Inner Child –
How were we treated by our primary caregivers during childhood?
Did we feel a sense of safety to truly be ourselves?
Were our emotional needs acknowledged and addressed?
Could we freely express our feelings without fear of rejection or dismissal?
Did we learn to prioritize others’ needs over our own to ensure safety, commonly known as people-pleasing?
It’s important to recognize that the younger parts of ourselves still require attention and care every day. As adults, we hold the capacity and responsibility to nurture our inner child, providing the love, validation, and protection that may have been lacking from our caregivers. This isn’t to blame our caregivers but to reconnect with our inner child, offering them the sense of belonging, safety, and attention they deserve.
Seeking external validation before establishing it within ourselves can leave us vulnerable to potential abuse, manipulation, and disappointment. By acknowledging and tending to our inner child’s needs, we create a foundation of self-love and resilience that empowers us to navigate life’s challenges with greater strength and clarity.
Grief – Feeling Our Feelings –
Many of us have been conditioned to avoid confronting our feelings, leaving us disconnected from what we truly feel. Fear often accompanies this avoidance, as we are unsure of how to navigate and process our feelings. There’s a common misconception that once we allow ourselves to feel sadness, it will consume us indefinitely. That feeling is weak. These misconceptions are not true.
When we courageously connect with our hearts and acknowledge the sensations of sadness within our bodies, we initiate the process of healing. By allowing ourselves to experience and process these feelings, we create space for joy to enter our lives. It’s crucial to recognize that the stories we create around our sadness can keep us stuck. Therefore, learning to detach from these stories and redirect our focus back to the physical sensations of sadness in our bodies is essential.
Why do we hold on to these stories? Often, it’s because we’re unaware that they serve as a shield, protecting us from the pain we’re afraid to feel. Remaining in our thoughts and detached from our bodily sensations can provide temporary relief, but eventually, the suppressed emotions demand our attention.
It’s a brave and necessary journey to reconnect with our feelings and honor them as integral parts of our human experience. Through this process, we can release the hold of sadness and welcome a greater sense of peace and fulfillment into our lives.
Faith and Trust –
Discovering and deepening the connection with your higher power, whether it’s God, the Universe, or any other belief system, is so important. It’s about understanding what this connection means to you personally and nurturing it to enrich your relationship with yourself and your spirituality. As this knowing strengthens, it gradually diminishes the fear that often holds us from taking risks and embracing our life’s purpose.
We are inherently divine beings, inherently good by virtue of our existence alone. Learning this fundamental truth is the groundwork for a profound understanding that we are consistently cared for by the universe. This isn’t just a belief but a tangible reality. There is evidence of this truth all around us and instances in our lives where things align in our favor. I urge you to reflect on these occurrences and write how they show up in your daily life. Once you set the intention to recognize them, they become more apparent, reinforcing the notion that we possess within us the capability to navigate life’s challenges and find our own solutions.
This realization empowers us to stop seeking external saving and instead embrace the power within ourselves and the divine. By embodying this truth, we free ourselves from the search of others rescuing us, creating relationships founded on genuine connection rather than dependency. This shift is liberating because it redirects our focus from seeking happiness outside ourselves to cultivating it within. When we prioritize self-fulfillment, we lay the groundwork for meaningful and nourishing relationships that complement rather than complete us. In essence, we become the primary source of our own happiness, radiating joy, love, and peace, like the cake itself, with healthy relationships serving as the icing on top.
by Karen D (from 2022 ICC)
Co-Dependents are famous for having unequal partners. Promise 6: I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
This info was adapted from a workshop held at CoDA’s annual convention in 2022by Karen D called “Take My Advice, I’m Not Using It.” You can find the full audio here. The part where she discusses levels of friendship starts at 17.24 in Audio 2. The full talk is amazing… she goes through all the Recovery Patterns of Codependence so get out your copy or download it and get ready to soak in some cool insights.
Things to note about levels of friendship:
1.Superficial:
This is an insignificant level, and this is where everyone will start. These people do not affect your life one way or another. Level #1 is for people you have just met, and it is also for people who have been moved back from higher levels. The people here are strictly surface relationships. You have no expectations of them, and there are no obligations either way. Keep all your personal information to yourself.
2. Casual:
This person has moved forward from level 1 due to common ground, such as co-workers, classmates, recovery people, etc. During this ‘Probation Stage’ you begin to evaluate this person to determine whether they should move forward to a higher level, or just stay here. Actively look for and do not dismiss or make excuses for ‘red flags’. How do they treat animals? How do they talk to their mother? How do they talk about their ‘ex’? Are they a victim? Are you their only friend? Do they criticize you? Do they try to fix you? Do they try to isolate you?
Remember- you have only met their “representative”; the person they want you to believe they are. You may have introduced them to your ‘representative’. After 90 days minimum, re-check for red flags if you are considering moving them forward. At 90 days check your own behavior. Are you being authentic?
3. Companionship:
This level begins your one-on-one relationships. It has been at least 90 days and they are off “Probation”. Platonic roommates should be at least a 3 before you consider moving in with them. For romantic relationships: At level 3 you might start deciding whether this is a sacred (devoted) relationship or just a friendship. You can begin to share personal information at this level; and see what they do with it. Do they try to fix it? Do they minimize it? If your personal information is shared with others, move this person back to a 2. Your relationships must be equal at each level. If your ‘prospect’ has you at a 2, you must also move them back to a 2. Do not be in a hurry to move someone forward- this is a nice level!
4. Friendship:
Your friend has made it through the dissection of levels 1,2, and 3. This level is a partnership between two people who value each other equally. It is a good time to evaluate your friend, and make sure that you are a 4 with them too. If they are treating you like a 1, move them back to a 1 as well. This is more intimate than your other relationships. This is the person who feels safe to you and you naturally spend more time with them than others. Your sponsor will often fit here while you are working the Steps.
5. Intimate Relationship:
This is an equally deep partnership with shared passions, trust, and respect. Your partner must also have you at a 5. You can sit in a room without talking and be completely comfortable. Time spent together builds more trust and respect, not less. When you discuss deeply private information, you know your privacy will be respected and will not be weaponized. You can confidently take bigger risks with each other. This is a true companion.
6. Committed Partnership:
This is the only level where marriage can be considered. This is a sacrosanct (Inviolate, pure, protected, secure, shielded) and fearless relationship. You both share responsibility for the relationship, and you honor each other equally. Your partner must also have you at a 6. This level is for that one person you can honestly say you want to be with as long as you are both alive.