We just had our latest local workshop, the 411 on Sponsorship. It was a chance to continue the ongoing conversation about sponsorship in CoDA. It is a conversation worth having over and over. People come to our program from all walks of life and an array of histories. Many have traveled these 12 steps in other programs before. Codependence is a “deeply rooted, compulsive behavior”. It deals with relationships throughout our lives and the root causes of our addictive and dysfunctional behaviors. Because of this, it is necessary for us to have a variety of sponsorship options so people can find what they need when they need it. Sometimes a person needs more that one type at a time. Sometimes they move from one to another.
In our workshop, we discussed the types of sponsorship.
– One on one sponsorship (i.e. the traditional model) with a sponsor and sponsee
– Co-sponsorship (i.e. fellow traveler model) with two people working together as more equals
– Group sponsorship with 4-6 people all co-sponsoring each other in a closed group
There was good discussion about the how’s and why’s of each type and some shared experience, strength and hope from members present.
Sometimes people are struggling with relationship addiction when they enter CoDA. Some are new to the 12 Steps or need accountability help to get through the steps. For these and other people, the traditional model may be just the thing they need to support their recovery.
Sometimes people struggle to find a sponsor or they may have limited access to people willing to sponsor in that way. Still others may have a block or trauma around authority figures that is exacerbated by the hierarchical, one to one type. For those people and others, connecting with a recovery friend and forming a co-sponsor relationship may be a better fit. That’s not to discount the healing benefit from practicing around these wounded areas. A healthy sponsor can be just the ticket for someone struggling with authority figure triggers. The point is really, there isn’t one right way to do this.
For some it is scary to get into a sponsorship relationship with another person. Many have just left damaging or enmeshed relationships of some kind and are understandably hesitant or susceptible to “relapse”. Many of us have found group sponsorship helpful. It may be far less intimidating to ask a few others to join a co-sponsorship group and it builds a small, supportive community while creating a safe space for vulnerability over time.
Wondering how to find a group? Start one! One way to do this is simply to choose a time, day and cadence that works for you, listen for others in your home meetings, step study groups or at CoDA social gatherings (like Intergroup, Sunday Fundays, Workshops, etc) who are working on their recovery, have tools you value or are in similar life situations and start asking if they’d be interested in joining you! Some language might be… “I’m putting together a small, co-sponsorship group (4-6 people) to work recovery together outside of the meeting, are you interested in knowing more?”
Wondering what groups like this do? Again it depends on the individual in the group. Some study CoDA material together like the 12 Steps, the 30 or 40 Questions or the Growing Up In CoDA book, others may start off with outside Literature like Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beatty or Self-Compassion by Dr Kristen Neff, and still others may do check-ins and deeper sharing/processing than in a CoDA meeting. Many do a combination of these things. The main thing to remember is this is not a book club or a CoDA meeting. It is a tight group of recovering codependents sponsoring each other.
The main takeaways boil down to… it’s an individual growth process. Each person is growing at their own pace and that’s okay here. Unlike other programs, it is not recommended that someone get a sponsor right away. Attend 6 meetings, see if it’s a fit. We encourage people to begin by listening at meetings for sharing that resonates in some way. Maybe someone has something you want, like a good understanding of a Higher Power or the Steps in CoDA. Maybe someone has walked a similar road to the one you are on right now and you want to know what worked for them. When you hear it, and if you are ready (you’ll know when that is), invite them for a conversation out side the meeting. You’ve got nothing to lose but your misery. 🙂
And for those who might be wondering if you are ready to become a sponsor… you probably already know deep down that the answer is most likely yes. If you are willing to give of your time to work with someone else in CoDA, then get to going! You will receive as much (or more) than you give.